I feel like I've been instantly transported to a little rubber life raft in the middle of the ocean when I start to even think how I should write my heart. The current carries me into deeper and deeper water, away from the safety of the shallows and soft, warm sand of the beach.
Vulnerability--that revealing of the most secret parts of us--is never comfortable.
Once I begin and find my voice, if I actually use it, will the sky fall on me? A very old tape starts to play in my head; the one that says, You're so loud--sit down and be quiet. And then the one that plays, Nobody likes to hear icky stuff. Keep it happy. Do you want to drive everybody away?
It wasn't always like this. Back when I was secure in the money in my bank account, when I finally owned a car with my name on the title, when I was reveling in my successful transition to Happily Independent Woman, when I was a size 4 and confidently walked down the street, when I was a busy print model and a QA consultant who traveled to my clients to audit their experimental data and write technical documents, when I was fit, athletic, weight trained, rode horses--even began learning to play polo…
…when I believed I had manifested all these wonderful things just by claiming them, I had plenty of confidence in myself. Or so that was my story, and I was sticking to it.
Oh yes, I was firmly entrenched in The Secret, vision boards, and belief that abundant life meant all these things and more; the time and the means to do exactly as I pleased. I was going to go through my life healthy and strong, even as I moved through the stage of life that undoes many women--empty nest syndrome and menopause. I listened to Hay House Radio every day, bought books on manifesting, called on angels and God to do my bidding.
I wanted to use my abundance for good, so what could possibly be wrong with it? I could certainly glorify God with all His gifts to me, and I wanted to give back. I had the promise from Jesus Himself of abundant life, and I was a child of the Creator of the Universe, so I could be and do anything I chose. He wanted this for me, after all.
Me me me.
I was my own idol. Yes, I said IDOL. God let me travel this path of pursuit of happiness in earthly things for a time, in His infinite grace and mercy.
And then, also in His infinite grace, mercy, and love for me, He began to show me Truth.
A year has passed since I left blogging. I recall being frustrated, confused, a bit angry, and feeling marginalized--and then there was that distinct feeling of being vulnerable to the point of nakedness for having shared so openly about the financial, emotional and spiritual challenges Leland and I faced.
When you don't have pictures of your great vacations, big house, and all the trappings of the American Dream to post on your Facebook page, "friends" are quiet.
Facebook...where we all love to paint the perfect canvas of our perfect little lives. I'd love to see what would happen if people were honest about their real lives.
Just threw a tantrum and cussed out my wife/husband and kids. Good times.
Just spent an hour engrossed in my favorite porn video. Epic.
Just spent 2 hours cruising Pinterest for ideas on how to one-up the neighbor for my landscaping/interior design/kid's birthday party. What should I do?
I have too much fun in my head sometimes, but putting my vivid imagination aside, it all boils down to this (even if you aren't an Idealist like me):
TRUTH MATTERS.
Why the truth rant, you ask? Because in the community group we are part of, Leland and I have been subjected to 5 videos of prosperity gospel and word of faith theology--the belief that God wants everyone to be healthy and wealthy and all it takes are the right belief-filled words--from one of our culture's many false teachers in this arena.
Not healed? You didn't believe. Not wealthy? You just don't have faith. In a blatantly arrogant move to deflect his detractors, this TV preacher points out that those who are not healed and blessed with wealth are the ones protesting this teaching.
Now that the background is down, I'm going to delve into the 'miles deep foundation' of scripture, and also into more of the faith journey of the Holders' over the last year, of abundant life, and just what that means. I'm not a preacher or teacher and I have no formal seminary education, only experience in the university of life as a Christ follower and the desire to honor God.
Thank you for grace and patience as I work out the telling of our story.
