Surprise #2: Grief

Sunday, was the 4th day since being rudely dismissed from the office where I was working under a contract agreement. I thought I had been doing fine since then, albeit disappointed it didn't work out. At least I felt safe and able to detox from the hostile environment I was in for 5 weeks.

And then......

Getting ready for bed that night, I found myself suddenly feeling alternately very sad, confused, and wanting answers I couldn't have.

Sad.

• For 2 weeks I was so excited and happy to have work again. I was contributing and I could see Leland's stress ease and attitude improve. I can't believe we're back where we started.
• We had lost a friend. Never easy. Rather a heartbreak. 
• Every day we watch our checking account balance get lower. My faith is again tested.

I laid in bed, wide-eyed, unable to sleep. I sat up and told Leland, with tears welling,

I'm so sad.

Confused.
Exhausted.
Over. It.

Why has our situation not found a remedy? After a relatively good business year in 2014, must we repeat the previous 3 years?

How long Lord?, King David said all those millennia ago. His words echo through the ages, right into my heart.

Then, I began the slide down the slippery slope of comparison. I started to think of all the people I know who have been mean, hurtful, manipulative, lied--someone I called friend, someone I called husband, a brother, a sister, an employer--and in every case, these people continue to not just survive, they thrive and live well. I don't get it.

Answers, please.

I wanted to know how and why life works this way. I watch Leland work so hard and give away so much of his time and talent, from a true heart of generosity and love for people. I've prayed for God to bring him a 10-fold reward for all he does. Still waiting, while the scales tip in favor of those who don't ever seem to suffer for the pain they've caused.

Once again I am drawn back to the story of Job; the last few chapters.

Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? (40:2)
Would you discredit my justice? Would you condemn me to justify yourself? (40:8) 

If I know what's good for me, I'll repeat Job's answer to God, in chapter 42.

I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. 

And then what did Job do? He "repented in dust and ashes," then he prayed for his friends (who had been anything but a help, by the way).

After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before. (42:10)

So I go back to David's psalm, the 13th. And I read it all the way through.

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me? 

 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
          and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

 But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation. 

 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me. 

Sleepless in Atlanta

War Hate Murder Bombings Tyranny Kidnapping Terrorism

Christians persecuted, imprisoned and killed simply for their faith. A centuries old church burned to the ground. Extremist religious factions grow more powerful. Values become obsolete. Life has little meaning. Feelings matter more than truth. Truth becomes as ethereal as a morning fog, unable to be grasped. Freedom is slipping away. Fear is taking her place. 

The news is unbearable to watch. I feel it all, this violent upheaval in our world, even if I refuse to watch and listen to the daily accounts of who lobbed the latest round of bombs, the latest plane crash, shooting in the city, baby left to die in a hot car, recent activity of Satan's army of Muslim terrorists, the impotence of the worst US government in our history to do much other than make this once great country a laughing stock around the globe and cause unrest and discontent among her citizens.

I feel it, I think about it, I wonder about the events in relation to biblical prophesy. I think about my children and grandchildren, so I sit at my computer, tapping the keys at 4:30 a.m. because I haven't slept all night.

Wait.  
Don't I know things have to get really bad?
Don't I know the end of the story?
Don't I know there is hope for those whose faith is in Him who won the victory? 
There was victory at the resurrection. It's a done deal. 
There is a day coming when all our idealistic musings will never match our stunning reality.

So, for now, "to live is Christ". (Phil. 1:21) "The LORD is for me; I will not fear; What can man do to me?" (Psalm 118:6)

I think I'll get some sleep now.

What Now?

I've heard it said that when the student is ready, the teacher will come. 

Ready or not....

However humbling I thought our drastic change in lifestyle was in 2012, 2013 held new levels of humble yet to be experienced.

The summer proved to be the best months the business had seen in a long time; most welcome after our court experience. We were busy with work and visits with family, excitedly welcoming our granddaughter, Claire, to the family in June. We were grateful to God for His awesome blessings on our lives, and for breathing room. 

Then came fall and winter, and we fell into a business slump that the summer's abundance couldn't carry us through. The 2014 New Year was not beginning as we had hoped, introducing a deeper level of humble. Our roller coaster lives had beaten us to a pulp.

All these months have turned into years of trying to work out how to be content with what we have, of reading Paul's words in Philippians 4:12, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want,"  and just not grasping it.

And James, who said to do what? Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:2-4). Really not grasping it.

What is abundant life if it isn't health and wealth and prosperity? It surely doesn't mean being in a state of hunger or want or infirmity. I'm really not ok with that.

Question after question asked, psalm after psalm read, I identified with David and was as determined as he was to, despite my lack of understanding and answers, trust God and not walk away from Him. I had to be in this place of being completely emptied of my self; of all the chasing after happiness and self-realization while blind to the fact that my happiness had been dependent on things I could lose. Having lost my car, work, money, and independence in a short period of time, I had fallen right into a very deep pit that looked familiar to where I was following my divorce in 2004, but deeper. Didn't think that was possible, but there I was. 

Nowhere to go, nothing to do, in pain (in more ways than one), feeling isolated, Leland and I alternately clung to each other and hurt each other out of our desperation, confusion, and exhaustion, or we attempted to protect one another by not speaking at all. What else to do but search? I so wanted answers to my questions, and I wanted even more to hear from God Himself. 

Lord, I'm empty, ready and willing to be filled. Please, show me what I need to know.

The answer came in the form of 2 incredible books; the first, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. If you haven't read it, please do. It reads like poetry, and the author is refreshingly down-to-earth, honest, and transparent. She speaks to the reader from the humble place of her own personal struggle with pain and loss, witnessing the death of her baby sister, and from her real and messy life as a farmer's wife and home-schooling mother of 6 kids--not the perfectly coiffed, made-up, and designer label-adorned TV personality who speaks from the comfort of her gated, multimillion dollar home. She leads readers to the place of rest and comfort through what she calls a "joy dare." It's the challenge to write 1,000 gifts we see every day but would ordinarily overlook, and in the midst of pain. That's why this thanks offering is called a sacrifice of praise (Hebrews 13:15). It can seem so mechanical when tears are welling in your eyes, but seeing God in the ordinary and being grateful really is transforming. The book was such a treasure I bought the devotional.

The second book is Desperate Hope, by Candi Pearson-Shelton.This is Candi's story of her and her friends' and family's journey through the illness and passing of her much-loved brother, Rick, in 2005. Rick was 22, a worship leader, Christ-follower, and engaged to be married when he was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. The book wrecked me for so many reasons, and all for the good. This story, all by itself, should be read by everyone tempted by those false teachers on radio and TV who are making millions by duping people with their lies, claiming God wants everyone to be healed (until they're not, then it's Satan's doing) and financially prosperous, and you will see that God absolutely has a purpose in pain and answers prayer through suffering. Everyone who knew Rick knows how beautifully God answered his fondest prayer, and what a win-win the story is. Read it. And don't ever doubt this truth: God is Sovereign and He is in control.

So many great resources have crossed my path--yea for the internet! Every time, the message points to everything counter-intuitive or counter-culture. No surprise, since that is exactly like Jesus. But how to sort out what I've been hearing in any sort of orderly fashion? That will be my goal for the next post, as well as to let you in on opportunities we've had to move forward in our walk with Jesus. 

About Face

A cascade of events changed the course of my life, 180 degrees.

First was the recession. I was living and working in Miami Beach, running my consulting business and modeling, the latter being my main purpose for being there. I was never happier than when my phone rang with a casting call, a callback, or a booking (the best!). Being "the talent" on set was an experience straight out of a fairy tale and I loved every second of it, so when it came time to decide whether to head back to Atlanta after the high season had wound down, I decided to stay and make the move permanent. I had claimed my dream and it was a reality! 

I worked on movie and TV sets during the off-season and got to share space with some pretty famous people: Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson (a sweetheart, for sure), Isla Fisher, Hugh Dancy, Jeffrey Donovan, and Gabrielle Anwar. 

Word of Wisdom: Background work is so not glamorous. It was a long off-season and I would not recommend it as a career. Being background is fun for the experience of learning how movies are made, but a couple of gigs are plenty. After that you're just a glutton for punishment.

When the high season began again in the fall of 2008 I was ready, like a sprinter set in the blocks waiting for the sound of the starter gun.  

Print modeling! Yea! I can't wait! 

I waited. And waited. The phone was silent while I watched TV all day long, seeing stories of home foreclosures, their owners out on the street and squatters moving in. Mindless show after mindless show; I don't even remember. I hung out on the beach. I shopped at the mall. I ate at Paul, my favorite French restaurant. And I waited. The few calls I received all season were castings for low-paying, Medicare Part D ads, for which I knew I wouldn't be booked because, despite my gray hair, I was never going to pass for 70 years old (thank God).

I felt so alone. I was so far away from the people and places I loved and Miami felt so dark and hostile. Save for a few visits with my friend and occasional casting partner, I didn't have anyone around me. Consulting had dried up as well. I received a call from my Baltimore client, who had offered me a job in their research lab only a few months earlier, saying the offer was off the table in the face of a downturn in their business and subsequent layoffs. I was running out of money and options, fast.

It was time to leave Miami behind and head back to Atlanta, but before my departure in mid-March, I booked one print job--the 2010 US Census. It shot at the end of February--a great ending--and I left a couple weeks later. 
[The ad could have ended up anywhere in the country, but appeared in Atlanta Magazine in the fall of '09, much to my delight.]

In the many quiet moments I had during the summer of '08, I spent a lot of time with my Bible and a booklet of verses--a collection of promises; time for which I am very grateful. I needed to renew my mind--shift the gears from blaming God for my losses, to trust and gratitude. But I also read books that focused on teaching prosperity gospel, I wrote myself checks from The Bank of The Universe for massive amounts of money, and I continued exploring the realms of mysticism and quantum mechanics. So when the bank somewhere in the ethereal never materialized the huge checks I had written hoping to fatten my very tangible bank account, and when my dreams of success in business and modeling were beginning to crumble.....imagine what a huge letdown it was. 

Here's what I've learned in the years since then: My faith was completely misdirected. God does not promise me or any other Christ follower ease, comfort, wealth, and never-ending health (we're all gonna die, and getting dead probably will involve disease for some). My faith was in my ability to manipulate God by invoking the Law of Attraction and claiming Bible verses out of context, distorting them to give me what I desired and leaving what God planned for me completely out of the equation. Can you see how this sets one up to become their own god, and in a very slick way? Yeah, remember when Satan tempted Jesus in the desert for 40 days (Matthew 4:1-11)?

Please, before you get all bent out of shape, let me say that I do believe God blesses some believers with the responsibility of wealth, and they are probably excellent stewards of it. I do believe that it very well could make their faith life more difficult, however, if one allows the self-sufficiency and self-reliance afforded by wealth to overcome dependence on God. Just look at Matthew 19 and the story of the rich young ruler. He had everything, but when Jesus told him what to do, he walked away because he couldn't part with his wealth. "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." (Matthew 19:24) 

Parting with wealth is hard once you've grown accustomed to it. I know. I've been there, even though the money I had was probably pocket change compared to the affluent community around me. 

Here's a short list of what we as believers are promised:

• We will have troubles, and we shouldn't be surprised by this. I Peter 4:12
• Troubles and pain have a purpose. I Peter 4:13 and James 1:2-3
• A promise that we are never alone, ever, no matter what. Hebrews 13:5
• And finally, not a promise, but the commandment, "Do not be afraid." That's in the Bible 366 times. Do you think it's because we're inherently fearful beings? And we have short memories?

There was another event that happened concurrently with the financial crises that sent me packing back to Atlanta, bewildered by what was becoming of the dreams I had realized. Check back for that story in the days to come.

1 Year Later

A year has passed since I left blogging. I recall being frustrated, confused, a bit angry, and feeling marginalized--and then there was that distinct feeling of being vulnerable to the point of nakedness for having shared so openly about the financial, emotional and spiritual challenges Leland and I faced. 

When you don't have pictures of your great vacations, big house, and all the trappings of the American Dream to post on your Facebook page, "friends" are quiet. 

Facebook...where we all love to paint the perfect canvas of our perfect little lives. I'd love to see what would happen if people were honest about their real lives.

Just threw a tantrum and cussed out my wife/husband and kids. Good times.
Just spent an hour engrossed in my favorite porn video. Epic.
Just spent 2 hours cruising Pinterest for ideas on how to one-up the neighbor for my landscaping/interior design/kid's birthday party. What should I do?

I have too much fun in my head sometimes, but putting my vivid imagination aside, it all boils down to this (even if you aren't an Idealist like me):

TRUTH MATTERS. 

Why the truth rant, you ask? Because in the community group we are part of, Leland and I have been subjected to 5 videos of prosperity gospel and word of faith theology--the belief that God wants everyone to be healthy and wealthy and all it takes are the right belief-filled words--from one of our culture's many false teachers in this arena.

Not healed? You didn't believe. Not wealthy? You just don't have faith. In a blatantly arrogant move to deflect his detractors, this TV preacher points out that those who are not healed and blessed with wealth are the ones protesting this teaching.

Now that the background is down, I'm going to delve into the 'miles deep foundation' of scripture, and also into more of the faith journey of the Holders' over the last year, of abundant life, and just what that means. I'm not a preacher or teacher and I have no formal seminary education, only experience in the university of life as a Christ follower and the desire to honor God.

Thank you for grace and patience as I work out the telling of our story.

I Was Born To Surf

Last night Leland and I watched the movie, Soul Surfer. If you haven't watched it, you should. It is the true story of surfer, Bethany Hamilton, who lost an arm in a shark attack. It is also about her journey through the tragedy; adjusting to new limitations, her change in perspective, and her return to competitive surfing.

Bethany was on the rise as a competitive surfer, having been sponsored by Rip Curl shortly before her tragic accident. She was living an idyllic life with a strong, faith-based, loving family, a best friend to share her surfing passion with, and the promise of a brilliant future.

I wanted to be her as I watched this story begin to unfold. Who wouldn't?

Then that shark came out of nowhere and took off her left arm, along with her hopes and dreams. But like any passionate dreamer, Bethany was thinking only of getting back into the water as she lay in a hospital bed, in pain, recovering from a horrible trauma.

Once out of the hospital, watching Bethany's return home and the limitations she was facing, the frustration, the pain on her brothers' and parents' faces as they watched her, brought tears to my eyes. And the paparazzi camped in the front yard, like buzzards circling their next meal, made me angry.

With determination born of faith--I can do all this through Him who gives me strength--she adapted to life with one arm. She learned to surf again, her family cheering her on along the way. Then she decided to go to the next level; to compete.

Bethany's dreams of competitive surfing came crashing down around her as she gave in to the heart-breaking frustration of trying to regain her pre-injury abilities. Faith withered under the strain of the seemingly impossible.  

She gave up.

She gave her boards away to some of her younger fans and decided to go with her church youth group on a mission trip to Thailand, following the tsunami of 2004. There, her perspective changed. The suffering, wreckage, and hopelessness of the aftermath of the tsunami brought her out of her own suffering and into the lives of those she went to serve.

Back home with a renewal of faith, she decided to surf again, and to prepare for a national competition. Her father rigged her board with a hand hold that would allow her to duck dive through the surf and pop out on the back side without being pummeled by the waves. She trained, and trained hard, because, as she said, I was born to surf.

In that competition, God gave her the wave of her dreams as the entire lineup of surfers sat in a calm sea and the clock ticked off the last seconds of the heat. She came close to winning that competition, and would have if she had only stood on her board one second sooner, before the horn blew signaling the end of the heat. She placed fifth because that dream ride didn't count.

Not to Bethany. It counted.

How quickly I lose my grip on faith and give up on my dreams. Thank you, Bethany, for sharing your story, and for encouraging dreamers everywhere. You are beyond inspirational--a true champion of the faith.

                            Bethany Hamilton at the Champions of the Faith Awards, Atlanta, GA

What were you born to do? Have you given up on your dream? What can you do to bring it back to life?