Surprises Are Not Always Good

For the first time in a very long time, I find myself sitting in front of this blog and actually find it's time to write again.

Surprise!

In the recent past I have thought about writing--*should I? I shouldn't* thoughts going back and forth like ping pong balls bouncing off the walls of my skull. I would decide I should, come sit at the laptop, look at the blinking cursor, shut it, and walk away.

Nope, not time. 

So, why now, you (and I) ask? Especially after all the silent months, save for the happy wedding shoot blog I posted over a year ago. Because life is a shocker sometimes, and the only way to deal is to skip talking and go straight to writing. The latter has always been easier for me anyway. And it's the only form of therapy I can afford.

A lot has been bouncing around in my mind lately. It started a long time ago, with the end of my job at the pharmaceutical company I worked for for a year and a half. To a degree, I let the company owner run over me, out of fear. So when that ended and I moved into a consultant role, I thought everything was awesome. When the consulting evaporated, well, all you have to do is go through the blog archives to see how that turned out. 

I asked God over and over, What do you want me to do? Anything. Just tell me.

Silence. But years of job searching and coming up empty-handed seemed to have ended this year. I had a 3-hour interview with a small business about 20 miles away from home, and after waiting weeks for them to come to a decision on filling the position of Office Manager, an offer from a friend of ours dropped into my inbox. Part-time, perfect hours, independent contractor agreement, flexible, the potential for development, someone I knew. 

PERFECT. 

I know nothing is perfect, but I had very high hopes. Silly me. The person I thought I knew was actually 2 different people: the social, kind-hearted friend and the angst-ridden, bully, disrespectful work person.

People have baggage. They stuff their bags full of hurts, wrongs done, and unmet expectations. Some people carry their heavy load around with them through life, wearing their victimhood like a badge, allowing it to become their identity. 

The brain seeks what is familiar before it seeks what is good for the person, I read once.

Maybe this is one reason why the Bible instructs us to renew our mind (Romans 12:2)--so that we may not conform to the pattern of this world and know what the will of God is. The world excuses anger, bitterness--even murder--on the basis of past wrong done to a person. Jesus transforms the heart and that healing results in fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). [Preaching Gospel to myself!]

So, everyone has a choice to make. 

My father's life story is the perfect example of someone who was badly hurt, yet chose a better path than to be angry, bitter, and hurtful. His parents divorced when he was about 10 years old, which would make the time period 1935. He told me that his parents took the advice of a psychiatrist who had evaluated the family and told his parents it would be best to split the family so that his sister went with his mother and he went with his father, since all they did was fight. His sister went to live with their mother; however, his father wasn't on board with single parenting his son, so he abandoned my father, who then became a ward of the state of New Jersey. Placed in foster care at age 10, my father suffered through, and survived, pneumonia. Understand that this was miraculous, since there were no antibiotics to treat infections at that time. Eventually, his aunt and uncle took custody of him and he lived with them, and his 2 cousins, in deservedly grand style.

I asked my father, "How did you survive all this? What happened to you was horrible!" 

His answer: "I had a choice to either sink or swim. I chose to swim."

My father was not a man of faith until his 40s, but I remember him in the years prior to that as a kind, thoughtful man who believed everyone should strive to be good; a good person, and a good citizen. He served America as a young man in the U.S. Navy during WWII, as a Lieutenant. I never heard him ever speak an evil word about a neighbor or a co-worker, or show anyone any disrespect. And he raised me to always be respectful of elders and never question authority.

Sorry, Dad, I believe in respect but not the never-questioning-authority thing.

So, after all of my life experiences, I took my lessons from my father and added them to the basket full of other lessons from the tough things I have been through. A big lesson I learned after a potentially life-threatening situation and a failed marriage is that NO ONE should ever be allowed to exert the power to make another person feel threatened, fearful, less than, or disrespected. This week, someone tried it. I stood up for myself. It was met with a very ugly demand to vacate the premises. I have peacefully and rightfully ended the contract work agreement.

Remember this lesson, friends: Christian ≠ doormat, scapegoat, or whipping boy.

So now I have come to the same conclusion as my good friend, Lea, which is, I don't want to just make a paycheck. I want to do something meaningful. Something to change the world a little for the better. I will find that elusive thing, one day. And I will be sure to share what that is. 

Meanwhile, Leland and I are once again looking at a diminishing bank balance and happily preparing for Christmas festivities with the kids and grandkids. And there is a certain peace that passes understanding; the kind only Jesus gives.

For now, I have laid down my sword, but it is never far away. There will always be dragons to slay in this world.

P.S. Don't click away until you read these final thoughts. As followers of Jesus Christ, we are commanded to love our enemies and pray for them. “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:43-45
I ended my work agreement with a fellow believer, and in the process of that email exchange, I blessed her and I have prayed for her. This is very counter-intuitive when someone hurts your heart and doesn't care, but it is not optional and it is not easy. We forgive because we have been forgiven by our Father in heaven.  

About Face

A cascade of events changed the course of my life, 180 degrees.

First was the recession. I was living and working in Miami Beach, running my consulting business and modeling, the latter being my main purpose for being there. I was never happier than when my phone rang with a casting call, a callback, or a booking (the best!). Being "the talent" on set was an experience straight out of a fairy tale and I loved every second of it, so when it came time to decide whether to head back to Atlanta after the high season had wound down, I decided to stay and make the move permanent. I had claimed my dream and it was a reality! 

I worked on movie and TV sets during the off-season and got to share space with some pretty famous people: Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson (a sweetheart, for sure), Isla Fisher, Hugh Dancy, Jeffrey Donovan, and Gabrielle Anwar. 

Word of Wisdom: Background work is so not glamorous. It was a long off-season and I would not recommend it as a career. Being background is fun for the experience of learning how movies are made, but a couple of gigs are plenty. After that you're just a glutton for punishment.

When the high season began again in the fall of 2008 I was ready, like a sprinter set in the blocks waiting for the sound of the starter gun.  

Print modeling! Yea! I can't wait! 

I waited. And waited. The phone was silent while I watched TV all day long, seeing stories of home foreclosures, their owners out on the street and squatters moving in. Mindless show after mindless show; I don't even remember. I hung out on the beach. I shopped at the mall. I ate at Paul, my favorite French restaurant. And I waited. The few calls I received all season were castings for low-paying, Medicare Part D ads, for which I knew I wouldn't be booked because, despite my gray hair, I was never going to pass for 70 years old (thank God).

I felt so alone. I was so far away from the people and places I loved and Miami felt so dark and hostile. Save for a few visits with my friend and occasional casting partner, I didn't have anyone around me. Consulting had dried up as well. I received a call from my Baltimore client, who had offered me a job in their research lab only a few months earlier, saying the offer was off the table in the face of a downturn in their business and subsequent layoffs. I was running out of money and options, fast.

It was time to leave Miami behind and head back to Atlanta, but before my departure in mid-March, I booked one print job--the 2010 US Census. It shot at the end of February--a great ending--and I left a couple weeks later. 
[The ad could have ended up anywhere in the country, but appeared in Atlanta Magazine in the fall of '09, much to my delight.]

In the many quiet moments I had during the summer of '08, I spent a lot of time with my Bible and a booklet of verses--a collection of promises; time for which I am very grateful. I needed to renew my mind--shift the gears from blaming God for my losses, to trust and gratitude. But I also read books that focused on teaching prosperity gospel, I wrote myself checks from The Bank of The Universe for massive amounts of money, and I continued exploring the realms of mysticism and quantum mechanics. So when the bank somewhere in the ethereal never materialized the huge checks I had written hoping to fatten my very tangible bank account, and when my dreams of success in business and modeling were beginning to crumble.....imagine what a huge letdown it was. 

Here's what I've learned in the years since then: My faith was completely misdirected. God does not promise me or any other Christ follower ease, comfort, wealth, and never-ending health (we're all gonna die, and getting dead probably will involve disease for some). My faith was in my ability to manipulate God by invoking the Law of Attraction and claiming Bible verses out of context, distorting them to give me what I desired and leaving what God planned for me completely out of the equation. Can you see how this sets one up to become their own god, and in a very slick way? Yeah, remember when Satan tempted Jesus in the desert for 40 days (Matthew 4:1-11)?

Please, before you get all bent out of shape, let me say that I do believe God blesses some believers with the responsibility of wealth, and they are probably excellent stewards of it. I do believe that it very well could make their faith life more difficult, however, if one allows the self-sufficiency and self-reliance afforded by wealth to overcome dependence on God. Just look at Matthew 19 and the story of the rich young ruler. He had everything, but when Jesus told him what to do, he walked away because he couldn't part with his wealth. "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." (Matthew 19:24) 

Parting with wealth is hard once you've grown accustomed to it. I know. I've been there, even though the money I had was probably pocket change compared to the affluent community around me. 

Here's a short list of what we as believers are promised:

• We will have troubles, and we shouldn't be surprised by this. I Peter 4:12
• Troubles and pain have a purpose. I Peter 4:13 and James 1:2-3
• A promise that we are never alone, ever, no matter what. Hebrews 13:5
• And finally, not a promise, but the commandment, "Do not be afraid." That's in the Bible 366 times. Do you think it's because we're inherently fearful beings? And we have short memories?

There was another event that happened concurrently with the financial crises that sent me packing back to Atlanta, bewildered by what was becoming of the dreams I had realized. Check back for that story in the days to come.