God Bless The Kind Among Us

One thing about being in a tough financial situation is the realization that, generally speaking, the world seems like a very cold, hard place to be.

Case in point, I called Fidelity Bank to inquire of an account manager about the possibility of a loan payment holiday. They had offered this a few times in the past and I thought they might again, if I asked.

You never know until you ask, right?

My answer was swift and heartless.

Unemployment is not a hardship, Mrs. Holder, according to our policies.

Oh really?

I explained to the account manager that if it wasn't, I didn't know what was. I thought, Terminal illness, maybe? She followed her statement on unemployment with the contractual obligation speech, basically saying only employed people should have car loans.

I explained to her that I DID have a job when I bought the car, but no matter, I ended the conversation by explaining to her that I would deal with the payment that month, but the next month there wouldn't be one, because the car would be sold.

Okay, was her response. I thanked her for her time, said goodbye, and walked away feeling about as low as road kill.

The world doesn't give a crap about hurting people. It just sucks.

I sold my car a couple weeks later and paid off the loan. It's funny how that felt. I was crushed and relieved all at the same time.

Practice Kindness

Now for a complete 180.

Waiting until the last possible moment, with fear and trembling of nearly Biblical proportions, I called Chase credit card services to explain that I could not make my payment by the due date (a first for me), but would have the money next week.

This time, I heard a sympathetic, very helpful person with a soft, non-judgmental voice on the other end of the conversation. She offered me options, with the reassurance that I'm not the only one going through a rough patch right now.

I chose the option to make the payment next week, understanding there would be a late fee assessed.

To hear someone in a financial institution say she hoped I didn't take what she was saying as hard or unsympathetic was, even in light of the situation, uplifting. She, like the character in the drawing, was trying to shield me from hurt.

Without a lot of effort, what a difference practicing a little kindness can have.

p.s. The car loan was paid off with a perfect record.  I received a credit card offer from Fidelity Bank in the mail today, which I immediately filed in the nearest bin. *smile*

Red Light

Our first meeting with the Moneywise mentor, Dwayne, was canceled at the last minute. New date TBD.

I had read the first 3 chapters of The Total Money Makeover, by Dave Ramsey, in preparation for this first meeting. I was looking forward to asking Dwayne this one burning question:

How on earth do we apply these principles to our freelance, creative lives, when all Ramsey's success stories involve people with jobs that deposit money in their checking accounts every 2 weeks?

I can't really say I have any arguments with a word of those first 3 chapters, but there is this one constant in reaching financial freedom--steady income earning.

Are we a hopeless case then? 

I'll have to wait for the answer, and I will be sure to let you know what it is.

Unless Dave Ramsey would like to speak to me himself. That would be lovely.

On the expense paring, I have cut another $136 from our monthly expenses. No more hormone replacement therapy. Did you know that Novartis's Vivelle Dot patches are $100 for a box of 8 (one month's worth)? The compounding pharmacy supplied progesterone capsules; one month's worth for $36. Since this is not a life-saving necessity, it wasn't hard to cut the expense.

I may wake up in the middle of the night sort of warm (please don't miss the sarcasm here), or have a bout of insomnia, but hey, I don't have a job and I can take a nap. That's worth an extra $136 a month.

Dave, call me.

Two Years

Today is our anniversary--our second.

It didn't have the best beginning, with our concerns over our financial state of affairs.

It was around midnight. We talked about how we wouldn't be able to make credit card payments on the due dates.

Tension mounted. Voices grew intense. Fear washed over me like a tsunami.

I broke down in tears.

The last thing I remember before falling asleep (which I didn't think I would be able to do) is being wrapped up tightly in Leland's arms, flooded this time by love, as he prayed for God to protect us.

This is why I married Leland Holder. He has such a huge capacity for love that his heart fills up and spills over.

Fear now conquered by love, allow me to share some special memories of our wedding day, 2 years ago today.

Snowmageddon hit Atlanta the day before the wedding and it was nothing short of miraculous that all 4 of the kids and 2 significant others made it here before the airport shut down. Here is what I woke up to on wedding day:

Photo credit: Chris Mothershead (c)2010

Photo credit: Chris Mothershead (c)2010

It was a pretty shaky beginning to the day. The florist called to ask if we were still getting married. The hair salon never opened. But my kids were all here and that's all that mattered to me. I knew the groom would make it, even if he had to 4-wheel it in his Pathfinder.

It all came together beautifully. The snow started melting off by noon. My friend and makeup artist, Katie, made the trek from her home to Dawsonville to do my hair and makeup, even though I had resolved to do it myself (you're an angel, Katie). The flowers, cake and cupcakes, and Leland, all made it safely to Nightfire Lodge in Chestatee in plenty of time. Here's the happy ending:

Photo credit: Chris Mothershead (C) 2010

 There's a photo album on my Facebook page, click here.

A couple of video clips:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmiAqCvbuvw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQVw-HxHFgg

How this makes me smile! God has blessed us, no doubt about it!

Breaking Silence

I will say, right up front--this is hard. Pride makes being transparent hard.

I have thought carefully about whether to continue blogging, in light of the unhappy turn my and my husband's lives have taken, but my conclusion is, this is my canvas on which to paint. I wouldn't be the first to paint something that was scorned by some, but critics have never stopped me before. Why start now?

If you don't like harsh reality then navigate away right now; however, in my heart I hope you follow me on the path we are walking.

Neither one of us is dying. We enjoy reasonably good health, but the financial disaster that we have here feels like death--death of dreams, death of progress, death of any hope of a future. After all, the rest of our lives doesn't look very long at our ages. We need a resolution ASAP.
 
FYI, we haven't come to this by charging furniture, vacations, home remodeling (although that one was tempting), or other such keeping-up-with-the-Atlantans kinds of things, on our credit cards. No, we suffered the same losses as many others in the recession--upside down on the mortgage, loss of business (Leland is a freelance pro photographer), savings wiped out to survive, no luck in my job search--and when there's no cash, there's credit for survival. Emergencies happen. Medical and dental issues come up. All you can think is, just fix it and I'll gladly charge it to feel better.

You get the picture.

If you care to follow us on our journey, we have taken our first steps:

• We have a Moneywise mentor through our church, North Point Community Church (http://www.northpoint.org/moneywise), who we will meet this week. Part of that program is reading Dave Ramsey's The Total Money Makeover.
• We are in counseling at The Summit (http://summitcounseling.org), to keep our marriage healthy as we go through what is the demise of many relationships.
• We have spiritual support, and more, from our small group.
• In the last few weeks we have pared over $700 from our monthly budget by selling my car (also ending the need for insurance), canceling U-Verse cable TV, and dropping our health insurance for membership in Christian Healthcare Ministries.

What is the point of our suffering and obstacles in life, if we don't share them? What if no one ever heard of how God guided us through this?

I want to shout the events of the journey to financial freedom from the rooftop.

That way, God's got an audience.

'Tis The Season

Bring it on!

Christmas is my favorite holiday, with my birthday running a close second (don't even try to tell me that my birthday isn't a holiday).

Retail Christmas is a phenomenon that has grown into an evil monster covered with green eyes with dollar signs instead of pupils, and multiple arms; something of Biblical proportions straight out of the book of Revelation. We won't go there.

The Christmas season seems to start earlier and earlier every year. This year I noticed fresh cut trees for sale before Thanksgiving--quite a surprise.

I have made a tradition of buying a tree the first weekend in December, but this year, with trees cut so early, Leland and I decided to get our perfect tree home and into a bucket of water before it turned into kindling.

So much for tradition. The tree went up *gasp* right after Thanksgiving. This tree really will be kindling by Christmas day, but oh well...it makes everything happier!

Photos by Lynne Holder (c)2011 

The Christmas of my heart is about family, love, laughter, and the delightful antics of my 2 year-old granddaughter, Kate, to name just a few of my favorite things. 

 Photo by Jon McCalmont (c)2011

Thankfully, it's not about the stuff. It's about God's gift to humankind.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. --John 1:14 

As the Christmas season begins it is my intention to see all that is beautiful. I started with the beauty I see in our perfect little tree, and the beautiful, child-wonder on Kate's sweet face.

She is definitely on the Nice List.

Thwarted?

Today I came across a message from a dear friend. He wrote it in August and I had forgotten it, stuck at the bottom of the list of Facebook messages:

I've been catching up on your blog posts. I love your writing. You write just like you speak, and I can pick up on your humor, happiness, sadness and even your frustration...Please keep writing. You have something very special going on there, and only God knows how He will use you through your gift of writing.

It impacted me again, much as it did when I read it almost 4 months ago. To think that anything I had written made an impression on someone, enough to write me such an encouraging note, was amazing. But this time it was a little sad.

I haven't kept writing. The reasons are many. This has been a difficult season of life, one where every step has been met with obstacles on my path--not little ones, but those that cause me to stop in my tracks.

Rock slide in the Smoky Mtns, TN

The picture above feels like my life--what I see every day. The questioning this has brought about feels justified, born of sheer frustration. I feel thwarted.

Will God ever use me through my writing, for anything? 

I read this while I sipped my coffee this morning:

How little those know Me who think I wish to thwart them. --God Calling

How little I know Him. That made me stop and think, which can be a good thing or a bad thing for me. It usually leads to more questions, but for now, I choose to own this statement (with a prayer to know Him more), and flip the "off" switch in my brain. Time to just be--to rest in the blessing of what is, this moment.

Stone By Stone

I have a great little book titled God Calling; a collection of the writing of 2 women, arranged in passages by day, covering an entire year. The passage I read today was another reminder that I have not mastered patience, and its very close companion, trust.

Heaven's Colors 

Looking back you will see that every step was planned. Leave all to Me. Each stone in the mosaic fits into the perfect pattern, designed by the Master Artist. It is all so wonderful! But the colors are of Heaven's hues, so that your eyes could not bear to gaze on the whole, until you are beyond the veil. So, stone by stone, you see, and trust the pattern to the Designer. 

Trust, to my mind, means letting go. It's so hard to let go. Why? Because we're taught that hard work and perseverance result in success. Chase your dream and never give up. Right?

Letting go feels like giving up. Letting go feels like the sure demise of one's dreams.

Maybe, just maybe, letting go is falling into a big, fluffy pile of warm blankets.

Maybe letting go is trusting that the pattern of our lives is already designed and laid out--and it is a beautiful mosaic.

Maybe letting go is the way to all we can ask or imagine.

Maybe there's something greater--something more. 

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. --Ephesians 3:16-19 

Maybe grasping hold of God's love is our greatest success.

But seek first his kingdom...and all these things will be given to you as well. --Matthew 6:33

I'm not going to lie--it's still not easy to trust that and let go, but it is my goal.