Musings And Ponderings

I have several days away from my part-time, hopefully (now that our business is running at superspeed) temporary job, to consider all that has happened there--and most importantly, what it has taught me.

• The work has been of some financial benefit to us, even at $8/hour and 20-something hours/week. All work has value. 
• I've cleaned public bathrooms, been patronized, belittled, and unappreciated. I've been humbled and I have had to look to God for the strength to accept it.
• I have witnessed some fairly hideous drama among the co-workers. I confess I have been a participant in some instances, but in some I have chosen to simply put distance between me and it. In all instances, I have sincerely desired to do my job to the best of my ability.
• Power hungry people exist on even the most menial of job levels, as does poor leadership. 
• I enjoy the horse community, for the most part; especially those who are beginning or returning riders. Their enthusiasm is easy to identify with and sharing in it is happiness. 
• Some co-workers, like family, are alternately a joy and a challenge for me to be unselfish and loving.
• I can push myself through illness, exhaustion, and pain. God made me strong in my weakness. 
• I don't do my job for anyone's approval, but to honor God. 

I'd like to share a brilliant quote, by Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf: "You learn far more from negative leadership than from positive leadership. Because you learn how not to do it. And, therefore, you learn how to do it." All of my jobs that I can rank as having had the worst leadership, as awful as the experiences have been, have taught me such valuable lessons on how to lead people. Perhaps, one day I will have the chance to put my lessons into practice again, but my fondest hope and prayer is that my partnership in business with my husband, and my modeling career, will soon be my full-time pursuits. 

For the most part, this short message contains simple truth (the point of this journey through life is to learn from the unhappy parts, so don't run from them). I am committing it to memory because, while I have oftentimes failed to live it, I desire to.

Life is too short. We should all be living like we're dying. We are. I have simply to remember those I've lost to cancer, as well as those who are in the battle for their lives, to want to do everything I can to live a God-honoring, abundant life--not simply survive.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 

Everyone have a wonderful, happy, and blessed weekend!

Breakthrough

I said months ago (here) that I would be blogging about the very difficult and personal journey through our financial crisis because I wanted God to have an audience. I wanted people to know God is faithful and true to his word, and how he would work out our dilemma.

I also wanted to walk through this and get it right. It's been my sad pattern to blame God and get angry for all the negative things that have come into my life. Really, the reason for the anger is simply because I didn't get what I want. This time, I intended to turn toward him and not away from him.

In a sense, my readers have been my accountability partners in my struggle for faith.

That's the recap leading up to my update: I want to tell you how God has suddenly turned things around for us.

Last week, the business email and phone started blowing up to book Leland. Some of this is the usual local stuff, which is great, but one of those clients is different.  It is a huge, international company. We're excited to be traveling outside our little territory and going out of state for a few days to shoot aerials, exteriors, and interiors of their facility.

To get the point across, this is HUGE!

Our calendar doesn't have a free day on it for over a week. We've even had to tell a client that there was a conflict and thought the job was lost. Leland even offered to refer to another photographer, but this client changed their date to book when he's available!

Every day we are amazed by how things have changed, but please don't get the idea I'm boasting about something we did. We actually quit doing all the usual things to drum up business; mainly, networking functions. When all our efforts amount to nothing, what else is left but to get on our knees? We trusted, we prayed, we agonized, we wavered, we waited........so that we could boast not in our own efforts, but in God alone.

These breakthroughs are like coming through the cold winter into the promise of spring and renewed life. They are a glimpse of what is possible, and it's simply amazing to us!

Our goals all along have been to make more money, to be debt-free, and to honor God with our abundance. Please continue to pray for us to achieve these goals.

Praise God for his goodness!

Waiting....

Here I sit, figuratively speaking, drumming my fingers on the table, waiting. Can you sense the boredom?

Leland and I still have conversations born of frustration and a sense of urgency, in which we try, once again, to think of any way possible we might relieve the circumstances that weigh on us so heavily. Inevitably, we find ourselves going in verbal circles, sighing, and resigning with a hug.

Waiting 

Since I've had a couple days off from my part-time job, I've been thinking about what it means to wait on God. I found some interesting reads out there on the interweb (gotta love Google).

I've discovered just about everyone is waiting for something, which should come as no surprise, but still, it was some comfort to realize (or shall I say, remember) that fact.

I read Isaiah 40 and a lot of commentary that accompanied it. [Bear with me while I hop down a rabbit trail.] Let me just say, being no stranger to academic writing, I find scholarly exegesis to be as useful as reading Chaucer in high school English Lit class--without the explanatory notes. You can grab bits and pieces but it's laborious reading. That said, there were some practical bits to take away, such as this:

Wait, but do so expectantly. Here's a visual:

This...

Daughter, Alison, waiting for her moment

Or this...

I wish I felt like a bride anticipating her wedding. How exciting! My daughter, Laurie, is getting married in 2 short months and I feel such a sense of happy anticipation for this event.

Look at them...so sweet...I can't wait!

(c) 2012 Leland on Location Photographic Images, Inc.

But there isn't that happy anticipation for my and Leland's lives at this moment.

Why?

Because I'm tired and faint. Because so much time has gone by and there's so much...quiet. Because we're getting, well, old. Time is ticking!

Look up at the sky! Who created all these heavenly lights?

Why do you say, ..."The Lord is not aware of what is happening to me?" Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is an eternal God, the creator of the whole earth. He does not get tired or weary; there is no limit to his wisdom. He gives strength to those who are tired; to the ones who lack power, he gives renewed energy. Even youths get tired and weary; even strong young men clumsily stumble. But those who wait for the Lord's help find renewed strength; they rise up as if they had eagles' wings, they run without growing weary, they walk without getting tired. Isaiah 40:26-31

Circumstances can change, or not, but with this kind of help--wisdom, strength, power and energy--what more could I want?

I'm ready. Bring it.

Don't EVER Give Up

That's right, the one who has given up on her dreams on more than one occasion is here to tell you just that.

Shall I go over it all again--all those excuses I had for giving up on modeling and throwing myself a pity party?

Being post-menopausal and all the crap that comes with it.
The Great Recession.
A persistent back injury.
Being uncharacteristically anxious at casting calls.
Financial crisis.
Blah, blah, yadda, yadda. 

Better than giving up entirely and pouting, I decided that I would be open-minded to what it meant to be the person God made me to be, with all my inherent abilities and heart's desires, and still be willing to let him guide me on my path. Or even send me down rabbit trails.

I believe that's what happens when you come to the end of yourself and all your striving. You tell the God who loves and made you, this is who I am, this is what I love to do, but I'll do whatever you ask--just show me.

Release.  Surrender.

In May, I was booked for a shoot for Piedmont Healthcare. I had no idea when I showed up at the beautiful location how big this campaign was going to be. It's big--TV and movie theater spots, print ads, web. The crew was wonderful; the "work", pure joy. And here is the result.

There are several beautifully creative videos; all of those with the word "Garden" in the title, as well as "Better 60 Movie" are the TV spots that I am grateful to be part of. [Be sure to take note of the credits, not the least of which is Talent Soup and Head Chef, Radford Harrell.]

For whatever reason, this is who I am. I love playing a role, getting outside of myself or being myself, forgetting the camera or playing to the camera--whatever I'm asked to do--and being in the moment.  

And I get paid to do this?

Yes, but the money isn't my primary motivation (shhhh, don't tell the potential clients). It's knowing that I am being true to myself and my Creator. When I glorify him, I am fulfilling my God-breathed purpose.

Bliss.

I realized recently that 2012 has brought a spike in submissions and modeling work. My dreams are still a living part of me; although I will continue to hold anything of this world loosely. Bearing these things in mind, yesterday, I decided it was time. Time to believe again; not just in how God made me, but in the fact that he is much bigger than I give him credit for being. I decided to embrace all this and I upgraded my online portfolio to Pro. In doing so, I put into action my faith and trust in a big God who is able to do big things with tools like a Webcomp. Now, I have more features that allow me to show clients searching for someone in my category a better representation of my work. As a bonus, I've found it has given me a great boost in attitude.

These words I used to speak rather doubtfully have gone from my head to my heart:

I am a Pro.

The "P" Word

Patience. 

It's so hard to master, and at this point in my life I'm not sure I ever will.

Waiting for word of my booking on a cruise line shoot has been a great opportunity to master patience. No problem, at first. Then days turn into weeks. My nerves have become more raw with every passing day from thinking over and over, I would love to have this booking, Lord. You know how much we need the money this would bring. It would be a dream come true.

I feel like a sprinter trying to be a marathon runner. Yeah, it's not working out so well.

I know, everyone with a Bible is going to quote Hebrews 12:1 right now: "...And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."  

Easy to say because you're either on the sidelines watching this race or you're running it at a fantastic pace, and enjoying it.

 
At this point in the marathon, I'm gasping for breath, trying not to face plant on the road. My side aches, I need water, and I'm digging down to my core for another scrap of energy to turn into a few more strides. People are passing me as though I'm not crumpled along the curb; as though some metronome in their head is clicking off every step. 

Some people aren't runners, so don't judge me for stopping to catch my breath, walking a few strides and maybe even picking up the pace to a run once I have recovered a bit. I'll finish the race, same as you. Well, maybe not the same, but you get my meaning. 

Today has been the stop-to-catch-my-breath day.

Dear God, when is SOMETHING going to change for the better?  

The dinner hour had come and was quickly passing, so I went to the kitchen to see what Leland was up to. Mahi mahi burgers was what he was up to. I decided to make Brussels sprouts with caramelized onions and garlic. I broke out the pretzel chips, hummus, and poured a glass of Don De Dieu (sorry, all you unfortunate people who have not tasted this nectar--get to Total Wine before it's too late for you and you settle for another American can of you-know-what). Pretty soon we were singing Inagaddadavida baby, don't you know that I loooooove youuuuuu...

Lo and behold, something had changed for the better. 

God is in the little things, and we are reminded again that blessings are right under our noses.

TGIF Y'all

I've actually used that charming term, "y'all." Cue the banjos.

It's Friday, which means 2 days off are ahead for most of the working world. For me, that means I get to enjoy today off and work all weekend. I'm counting on the crazies and meanies being too tired to shop after all their full moon antics of late. 

This week, all the kids, spouses, soon-to-be-spouse, and the granddaughter packed up and drove or flew to the far reaches of New York State to spend the 4th of July on Grindstone Island with my ex's family, and attend their grandfather's memorial service.

The view from one of the family cottages. Photo: Natasha Brooks

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this gem of real estate and are now searching your data bank's geography section for clues, Grindstone is a large island in the chain of Thousand Islands that dot the St. Lawrence River.

Shiny wooden boats, swimming, water skiing, boating of all kinds, warm days and cool nights, shoals, BUGS.....all make up the wonderful experience of visiting this vacation spot.

I know they had a blast. And they felt so far away. They're all on the way home, or will be soon. Back to the heat and humidity of the South, kids!

Here in Hotlanta, the week has been busy for Leland; not so much for me. The store manager has hired a few new people and my hours have been cut back. I had been working nearly full-time, so I'm not complaining about the break. Leland had lots of time in the office doing post-production. Really, both of us were just trying to escape the brutal heat.

We have several things to be grateful to our Provider for, among them:

• After invoicing, invoicing again, and then calling several clients, they're going to actually PAY!
• New bookings for Leland.
• I received unexpected income: a check for renewal of a commercial I filmed in Miami in 2009 (the gift that has been giving every year), and a check from my late father's trust fund's interest income (long story......we won't go there because it involves a step-monster). Money is good.
• Out of the wild blue, I received a call from an agent in AL that I hadn't spoken to since my last week in Miami, March '09, saying he was submitting me for a cruise line shoot. Not just any shoot, this one is in New Orleans, all expenses paid, is worth a lovely 4-figure rate, and will significantly boost my professional resume...not to mention, it will be FUN!
• Leland and I are keeping the "4 walls" up, meaning we are living indoors, have transportation, food, and clothing. 
• Our small group continues to bless our lives. We're happy we didn't do what most groups do, and break for the summer.

We are so grateful for all of our friends and family (maybe, even strangers) who have been praying for us, and for God's love, mercy, and provision. Please continue to ask God for the ability to pay our creditors and achieve financial freedom without bankruptcy, and pray for the cruise line shoot to go from submission to booking!

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Temporary vs. Eternal

I've been silent on the blog awhile, a bit on purpose, a bit not. 

Honestly, words have escaped me, having grown weary of nothing new or happy to write about. If reading another post here is boring to you, imagine how it feels to be in these flip flops.

Everything in our lives feels tenuous and temporary. 

Why is it such hard work to be grateful and content with what is? What's wrong with me?

Enter Guilt. 

I should be better than this by now. 

Why the word "tenuous" came to mind, I'm not sure. I don't normally use this word in the course of conversation, so out of curiosity I looked up Merriam-Webster's definition.

ten-u-ous: having little substance or strength: weak, flimsy: shaky

No wonder. That sounds pretty spot on as a descriptor of my world. 

Tired...no, exhausted...and weak. Plodding through every day feeling as though we're on the shaky precipice of a very tall cliff, always one minor thing from a major meltdown, my soul bleeds easily and the tears flow without warning. 

I try to mentally shake myself out of it.

It could be so much worse. Be grateful. You can walk, talk, see, hear, and feel. The kids are all healthy and prospering. Laurie's and Ross's wedding is coming up. Your husband loves you. Stella brings sunshine and laughter where none seemed to break through. You have friends who care and pray for you. 

Gratitude is being overshadowed and wearing thin. 

First cousin to tenuous is temporary.

tem-po-rary: lasting for a limited time 

My daughter, Jennifer, writes a fantastic blog about her family's adventures, titled Jen and Jon Plus Kate. 

Coincidentally, she blogged recently about her sense of everything in her life being temporary. Her words mirrored my feelings in many ways. For example:

Being so far from our families and the places I hold dear stretches my worn soul too far some days.

And even though Jennifer's daughter is just 3, she is already realizing what I did as her mom:

Her childhood is fleeting. My job is temporary.

And as though she had crept into my mind and read the thoughts there:

Today, my heart is crying out for just a tiny taste of permanent.

What would it feel like to know on a gut level that something wasn't going to break or wear out or die? That I could be with my people and my dogs and that wouldn't change? 

I'm craving eternal tonight. 

eter-nal: having infinite duration; everlasting

Jennifer shared this verse:

2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

I want to fix my eyes on what is unseen, but the seen is all that's in my face. All I see is the seen. I'm away from my people and places I love. I miss having a horse and riding, now more than ever. I love my friends, who live more comfortably than I can dream. I work myself into the ground for grocery money and a dose of everyone's drama, while I put a smile on my face. Everywhere I turn, the seen feels eternal, and I scream inside,  

I can't do this anymore. 

But I have to. I have to keep on keeping on. I have to choose this one thing, one more day, with my last ounce of strength:

God, I trust you.