Photo Credit: © 2006 Lynne Holder

Friday, December 31, 2010

I have a confession to make...

When I started this blog I promised that I would be honest. I am a bad liar, so it's not a stretch for me to be honest, but it is not hard for me to hide the truth either. That's what I have done and that's what I must confess.

In the last post of November 25th I wrote about my injury. I thought this was going to be a simple matter of a muscle sprain/strain, I would go to the chiropractor a few times and, given a few weeks of healing, all would be right again. I was wrong.

The fork in the path that I have been forced to take has been the detour from hell. Okay, I know that it could have been much worse than it was (call me a Drama Queen--I will own it). Let's say this has been the detour from purgatory. I didn't want to talk about it, write about it, give it any attention, or even believe it was happening. I also did not want anyone to know the side of me that reacts like a spoiled child.

I was fully entrenched in denial because this injury, coupled with other recent physical challenges, has meant a complete 180 degree turn from the person I have been. I've taken extraordinarily good care of myself over the years by eating well and working out 3-4 times a week at cardio fitness and weight training. I didn't know how to, nor did I want to, be otherwise.

"Unacceptable", I told God, "This must be fixed. Why is this happening after all I've done to be healthy and fit? I will not be that 'sick person'. What about my dreams? Are they all meant to die while my energy is expended trying to be well again?"

I ran down all the reasons why I didn't deserve to suffer and why my husband of only 9 months did not deserve a wife so unlike the woman he fell in love with.

I found myself sliding down the slippery slope of despair; this injury being the last straw in a basket full of challenges over the last 2 years. I concluded that whoever said their 50s were a wonderful, liberating time of life, LIED. I remember laughing in the face of menopause and expecting this phase of my life to be a breeze, and yet here I am in a situation I find completely unacceptable. I am angry on top of being unhappy about this part of my journey.

So there is the honest truth about what has been happening and how I have been thinking this last month since my injury. And why my blog has gathered dust since my last post in November. It has been exhausting, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; not to mention financially, from treatments that are going to put the chiropractor's firstborn through the next semester at his out-of-state private college.

Hang on--there is a brighter side to the story. I have learned in my life's journey that when I have been forced to slow down, God has a reason--a lesson, a message for me. These are teaching moments if I allow myself to be teachable. That means I have to stop whining, kicking, screaming, and pushing against what is.

Once I quieted down and began to open up and listen, I believe God is pointing me to different paths than I had my heart set on traveling. I may yet travel those paths, but just not when I had planned.

Focus on walking the path in the image above. This is what God has taught me, is reminding me of again, and what I wish to share with you:  Travel the journey this way; a couple hundred feet at a time, trusting that the rest of the path will unfold in God's time. Do not be afraid. Be in the moment. See the beauty in what is, right now, and let your gratitude for it be heard, loud and clear. Seek Me in the now. Everything has a purpose.

"Go forward gladly and unafraid. I am with you." - God Calling, by A.J. Russell