Don't EVER Give Up

That's right, the one who has given up on her dreams on more than one occasion is here to tell you just that.

Shall I go over it all again--all those excuses I had for giving up on modeling and throwing myself a pity party?

Being post-menopausal and all the crap that comes with it.
The Great Recession.
A persistent back injury.
Being uncharacteristically anxious at casting calls.
Financial crisis.
Blah, blah, yadda, yadda. 

Better than giving up entirely and pouting, I decided that I would be open-minded to what it meant to be the person God made me to be, with all my inherent abilities and heart's desires, and still be willing to let him guide me on my path. Or even send me down rabbit trails.

I believe that's what happens when you come to the end of yourself and all your striving. You tell the God who loves and made you, this is who I am, this is what I love to do, but I'll do whatever you ask--just show me.

Release.  Surrender.

In May, I was booked for a shoot for Piedmont Healthcare. I had no idea when I showed up at the beautiful location how big this campaign was going to be. It's big--TV and movie theater spots, print ads, web. The crew was wonderful; the "work", pure joy. And here is the result.

There are several beautifully creative videos; all of those with the word "Garden" in the title, as well as "Better 60 Movie" are the TV spots that I am grateful to be part of. [Be sure to take note of the credits, not the least of which is Talent Soup and Head Chef, Radford Harrell.]

For whatever reason, this is who I am. I love playing a role, getting outside of myself or being myself, forgetting the camera or playing to the camera--whatever I'm asked to do--and being in the moment.  

And I get paid to do this?

Yes, but the money isn't my primary motivation (shhhh, don't tell the potential clients). It's knowing that I am being true to myself and my Creator. When I glorify him, I am fulfilling my God-breathed purpose.

Bliss.

I realized recently that 2012 has brought a spike in submissions and modeling work. My dreams are still a living part of me; although I will continue to hold anything of this world loosely. Bearing these things in mind, yesterday, I decided it was time. Time to believe again; not just in how God made me, but in the fact that he is much bigger than I give him credit for being. I decided to embrace all this and I upgraded my online portfolio to Pro. In doing so, I put into action my faith and trust in a big God who is able to do big things with tools like a Webcomp. Now, I have more features that allow me to show clients searching for someone in my category a better representation of my work. As a bonus, I've found it has given me a great boost in attitude.

These words I used to speak rather doubtfully have gone from my head to my heart:

I am a Pro.

The "P" Word

Patience. 

It's so hard to master, and at this point in my life I'm not sure I ever will.

Waiting for word of my booking on a cruise line shoot has been a great opportunity to master patience. No problem, at first. Then days turn into weeks. My nerves have become more raw with every passing day from thinking over and over, I would love to have this booking, Lord. You know how much we need the money this would bring. It would be a dream come true.

I feel like a sprinter trying to be a marathon runner. Yeah, it's not working out so well.

I know, everyone with a Bible is going to quote Hebrews 12:1 right now: "...And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."  

Easy to say because you're either on the sidelines watching this race or you're running it at a fantastic pace, and enjoying it.

 
At this point in the marathon, I'm gasping for breath, trying not to face plant on the road. My side aches, I need water, and I'm digging down to my core for another scrap of energy to turn into a few more strides. People are passing me as though I'm not crumpled along the curb; as though some metronome in their head is clicking off every step. 

Some people aren't runners, so don't judge me for stopping to catch my breath, walking a few strides and maybe even picking up the pace to a run once I have recovered a bit. I'll finish the race, same as you. Well, maybe not the same, but you get my meaning. 

Today has been the stop-to-catch-my-breath day.

Dear God, when is SOMETHING going to change for the better?  

The dinner hour had come and was quickly passing, so I went to the kitchen to see what Leland was up to. Mahi mahi burgers was what he was up to. I decided to make Brussels sprouts with caramelized onions and garlic. I broke out the pretzel chips, hummus, and poured a glass of Don De Dieu (sorry, all you unfortunate people who have not tasted this nectar--get to Total Wine before it's too late for you and you settle for another American can of you-know-what). Pretty soon we were singing Inagaddadavida baby, don't you know that I loooooove youuuuuu...

Lo and behold, something had changed for the better. 

God is in the little things, and we are reminded again that blessings are right under our noses.

TGIF Y'all

I've actually used that charming term, "y'all." Cue the banjos.

It's Friday, which means 2 days off are ahead for most of the working world. For me, that means I get to enjoy today off and work all weekend. I'm counting on the crazies and meanies being too tired to shop after all their full moon antics of late. 

This week, all the kids, spouses, soon-to-be-spouse, and the granddaughter packed up and drove or flew to the far reaches of New York State to spend the 4th of July on Grindstone Island with my ex's family, and attend their grandfather's memorial service.

The view from one of the family cottages. Photo: Natasha Brooks

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this gem of real estate and are now searching your data bank's geography section for clues, Grindstone is a large island in the chain of Thousand Islands that dot the St. Lawrence River.

Shiny wooden boats, swimming, water skiing, boating of all kinds, warm days and cool nights, shoals, BUGS.....all make up the wonderful experience of visiting this vacation spot.

I know they had a blast. And they felt so far away. They're all on the way home, or will be soon. Back to the heat and humidity of the South, kids!

Here in Hotlanta, the week has been busy for Leland; not so much for me. The store manager has hired a few new people and my hours have been cut back. I had been working nearly full-time, so I'm not complaining about the break. Leland had lots of time in the office doing post-production. Really, both of us were just trying to escape the brutal heat.

We have several things to be grateful to our Provider for, among them:

• After invoicing, invoicing again, and then calling several clients, they're going to actually PAY!
• New bookings for Leland.
• I received unexpected income: a check for renewal of a commercial I filmed in Miami in 2009 (the gift that has been giving every year), and a check from my late father's trust fund's interest income (long story......we won't go there because it involves a step-monster). Money is good.
• Out of the wild blue, I received a call from an agent in AL that I hadn't spoken to since my last week in Miami, March '09, saying he was submitting me for a cruise line shoot. Not just any shoot, this one is in New Orleans, all expenses paid, is worth a lovely 4-figure rate, and will significantly boost my professional resume...not to mention, it will be FUN!
• Leland and I are keeping the "4 walls" up, meaning we are living indoors, have transportation, food, and clothing. 
• Our small group continues to bless our lives. We're happy we didn't do what most groups do, and break for the summer.

We are so grateful for all of our friends and family (maybe, even strangers) who have been praying for us, and for God's love, mercy, and provision. Please continue to ask God for the ability to pay our creditors and achieve financial freedom without bankruptcy, and pray for the cruise line shoot to go from submission to booking!

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Temporary vs. Eternal

I've been silent on the blog awhile, a bit on purpose, a bit not. 

Honestly, words have escaped me, having grown weary of nothing new or happy to write about. If reading another post here is boring to you, imagine how it feels to be in these flip flops.

Everything in our lives feels tenuous and temporary. 

Why is it such hard work to be grateful and content with what is? What's wrong with me?

Enter Guilt. 

I should be better than this by now. 

Why the word "tenuous" came to mind, I'm not sure. I don't normally use this word in the course of conversation, so out of curiosity I looked up Merriam-Webster's definition.

ten-u-ous: having little substance or strength: weak, flimsy: shaky

No wonder. That sounds pretty spot on as a descriptor of my world. 

Tired...no, exhausted...and weak. Plodding through every day feeling as though we're on the shaky precipice of a very tall cliff, always one minor thing from a major meltdown, my soul bleeds easily and the tears flow without warning. 

I try to mentally shake myself out of it.

It could be so much worse. Be grateful. You can walk, talk, see, hear, and feel. The kids are all healthy and prospering. Laurie's and Ross's wedding is coming up. Your husband loves you. Stella brings sunshine and laughter where none seemed to break through. You have friends who care and pray for you. 

Gratitude is being overshadowed and wearing thin. 

First cousin to tenuous is temporary.

tem-po-rary: lasting for a limited time 

My daughter, Jennifer, writes a fantastic blog about her family's adventures, titled Jen and Jon Plus Kate. 

Coincidentally, she blogged recently about her sense of everything in her life being temporary. Her words mirrored my feelings in many ways. For example:

Being so far from our families and the places I hold dear stretches my worn soul too far some days.

And even though Jennifer's daughter is just 3, she is already realizing what I did as her mom:

Her childhood is fleeting. My job is temporary.

And as though she had crept into my mind and read the thoughts there:

Today, my heart is crying out for just a tiny taste of permanent.

What would it feel like to know on a gut level that something wasn't going to break or wear out or die? That I could be with my people and my dogs and that wouldn't change? 

I'm craving eternal tonight. 

eter-nal: having infinite duration; everlasting

Jennifer shared this verse:

2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

I want to fix my eyes on what is unseen, but the seen is all that's in my face. All I see is the seen. I'm away from my people and places I love. I miss having a horse and riding, now more than ever. I love my friends, who live more comfortably than I can dream. I work myself into the ground for grocery money and a dose of everyone's drama, while I put a smile on my face. Everywhere I turn, the seen feels eternal, and I scream inside,  

I can't do this anymore. 

But I have to. I have to keep on keeping on. I have to choose this one thing, one more day, with my last ounce of strength:

God, I trust you. 

It's True

Nothing stays the same.

The longer one is in unpleasant circumstances it is tempting to believe they will never change, and I admit that I'm guilty of this, and so much that goes along with it: worry, despair, hopelessness, etc.

Because there is a certain tension that Christ followers deal with every day--the tension between the natural and the renewed spirit--we struggle with what is, in the physical, and what is our spiritual reality.

So while the facts that present themselves on a daily basis in this world occupy my thoughts and seem to enjoy generating all the negativity they can, the Spirit plays a recording of God's promises.

Interestingly, the negativity shouts at me, while the promises whisper calmly.

And then, something, no matter how small it is perceived, changes. Such has been the case for us, recently. Following is an update on how God continues to place his unmistakable hand on us:

• When we returned home from Florida, we found an anonymous gift card in the pile of mail. 
• Two friends rang our doorbell at different times the same day last week. They wrote checks and gave them to us. Of significant note here: we had never spoken to these people about our financial crisis. 
• Leland has received extra work assisting a friend who is an HVAC contractor. 
• A full-time employment opportunity I had applied for fell through (the expected interview never happened), but the next day, I received a call from the manager of the tack shop I had applied to over a month ago, offering me temporary work at her store. 

We're still living indoors, and we're eating well. We're being provided for, and I am keenly aware of one fact:

He never changes. 


Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. --Hebrews 13:8
And my God will meet all your needs... --Philippians 4:19

Back To Reality

The beach is so much nicer than Atlanta. Way nicer. Since being home from our Destin vacation, reality and the contrast of life at home and life on the beach--and in my dreams--has really struck me.

The week at the beach was paradise, but if I lived at the beach I would probably dream of a farmhouse, crisp fall days, brightly colored leaves, and a roaring fire in the fireplace, as I looked out the window on my pasture full of contented horses.

Humans are predictable creatures. Whatever is our every day experience, we always want what is not. We usually walk around not really seeing the pros of our every day life, while a short film of our "ideal" plays in our heads.

I don't think I will ever stop dreaming of my horse farm. It's my fondest dream. But while I'm day dreaming I often forget to be grateful for what is, right now.

The dream is so big. 

The bank account is so small.

I understand that contrast is part and parcel of life; without it we would never dream; never desire better. It's true in the physical as well as the spiritual. I am not the person I wish to be, yet, so I desire to be better. I have not realized my dream of a horse farm, yet, but I keep my favorite dream close, and say to myself, Wouldn't it be nice............ 

My dreams, as well as my desire to become a stronger spirit, temper the contrast of the present, as does the most important element: gratitude.

Being with my family for an entire week filled me with so much gratitude to God for the wonderful people I have in my life, coming home to all that is the mess of our lives was suddenly different.

The mess has literally lost its power. 

Gratitude, and the sense of wealth I have in people and relationships, not things, has been a welcome respite.

I am rich.

I like this reality.

D12: The Sequel

Back to The Hole.

I recall the hole digger's wife (her initials are Alison Mothershead) was fairly irritated with her husband for this act of ridiculousness. Jennifer did not like the fact that The Hole ate up shady space under the canopy.

Who would have guessed that such a thing would result in so many laughs and so many creative ways to use it? Take 10 slightly crazy adults, throw in a 2-year-old who loves animals and likes to imitate them (along with her 28-year-old uncle), and you have a pretty silly, video-worthy episode.

In the end, the critics saw the error of their thinking. Chris actually got kudos for that hole.

Kate was dancing at every opportunity; even while trying to keep an eye on the ladderball game.

We spent almost every waking hour on the beach, taking lots of pictures during the week.  This about sums it up.

A quiet moment with Ali and Kate

Keeping warm

Kate busting out in vacation stance

Kate color coordinating ladder balls. She got the organizing gene.

The McCalmont Family

Group vacation stance

Pretty mommy and daughter, Jennifer and Kate

My crispy crew!

Kate with Aunt Tasha and Uncle Justin

The 2 Entertainers

Attractiveness and Cuteness - No Charge

More Cuteness

The Lovebirds, Laurie and Ross

And the cuteness continues with Chris and Ali

Love

My proudest accomplishment and the best job I ever worked myself out of, being their mom.

The "Old People"

Kate decided to brave the ocean on our last beach day. She ventured out onto the sand bar with her parents and other family, net in hand, hoping to catch some critter or sea shell. You did it Kate!

The view from our table

Lastly, I have to mention the sweet gift Leland and I received from everyone; a wonderful dinner at Louisiana Lagniappe. Justin told us to be ready at 6:15. He picked us up in his very large, black SUV--limo style--and dropped us off at the restaurant. He had pre-arranged a table overlooking the water, and had chosen a bottle of Kim Crawford sauvignon blanc, which was presented after we were seated. It was beautiful--delicious seafood, atmosphere, and relaxation that we rarely seem to get at home.

How can I adequately put into words how God has truly blessed me, and not make it sound cliche or trite? I am honestly, to my core, grateful beyond my ability to convey, for my beautiful family. They make me proud every day of their lives and I love them with all that a mother's heart can hold.

Please, can we do this reunion thing again next year? I don't think it will take much arm twisting, right everyone?