The Path to Gratitude

Eucharisteo: to be grateful; give thanks

The root word of eucharisteo in Greek is charis, meaning gift or grace. Charis is also the root of the Greek word chara, meaning joy.

 I wish eucharisteo was my default setting. Alas, it is not. Instead, I have to hunt, look for...and see...grace all around me. Historically, my default setting has been fear (darn that human nature). That's why I adopted this Greek word for thanksgiving and made it my mantra for this year, my restoration year.

One Thousand Gifts is a book full of jewels. In the companion devotional I turn page after page, draining the pen dry of ink for all my underlining. There are 60 devotions, each named for a type of grace--anti-anxiety grace, trusting grace, urgent grace, hard grace, joyous grace, comforting grace, to name a few--because all is grace, the author reminds me. 

All? The losses, lamenting, struggling? I say, along with David, "How long, Lord?" (Psalm 13:1). How long before there is no more suffering?

Ann Voskamp tells the heart-breaking story of the deaths of her 2 nephews, 18 months apart, from the same genetic disease. She tells her brother-in-law, "If it were up to me I'd write this story differently." Who wouldn't want to? Ask Candi Pearson-Shelton if she didn't want her brother healed. People known and unknown to her prayed fervently for his healing. For both of these families, the bottom line is, surrender to the Author of these stories.

Ann's brother-in-law, tears in his eyes, told her, "...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds." 

Candi brings to light the paradox of faith in God when she relates how her surrender "melts into peace and serenity, and...wholeness. Wow. Brokenness bringing about wholeness?"

Surrender isn't meant to mean a "Whatever, I give up!" resignation. I know that first-hand. It was my attitude following my mother's death in 1982 and the premature labor and delivery of my twins in 1983. This excerpt on surrender, from God Calling, helps me understand and re-frame my view:

Resignation to My Will keeps Me barred out from more hearts than does unbelief. Can anything be such a crime against Love as being resigned? My Will should be welcomed with a glad wonder if I am to do My Work in the heart and life. In all true discipleship, and in the true spiritual development of each disciple, there is first the wonder and the joy of first acquaintance, then comes the long plain stretch of lesson-learning and discipline. But the constant experience of Me, the constant persistent recognition of My Work in daily happenings, the numberless instances in which seeming chance or wonderful coincidence can be, must be, traced back to My loving forethought--all these gradually engender a feeling of wonder, certainty, gratitude, followed in time by Joy.

Read Candi's book because I'm not going to give away the ending. You will see God's loving forethought and you will close it with a sense of wonder, certainty, and gratitude.

Devotion 33 of One Thousand Gifts begins by quoting Deuteronomy 8:3, which talks about the Israelites wandering the desert.

He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, 

which neither you nor your ancestors had known, 

to teach you that man does not live on bread alone 

but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

Manna. The name literally means, "What is it?" Ann writes, "More than 14,600 days they take their daily nourishment from that which they don't comprehend. They find soul-filling in the inexplicable.They eat the mystery. They eat the mystery. And the mystery, that which made no sense, is 'like wafers of honey' on the lips. ...all the mysteries I have refused, refused, to let nourish me...I wonder too...if the rent in the canvas of our life's backdrop, the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see. To see through to God."

Now I'm beginning to see the purpose of this humbling journey Leland and I have traveled the last few years. Turning to God's word, seeing grace woven throughout the discipline, letting Him slowly chip away at all the layers of concrete I had slapped over my heart, this strange manna nourishing me. In this process, I learn to give thanks for my thousands of gifts and I pray for joy in the midst of trouble; when life has exhausted me.

"...followed in time by Joy."

I wonder if the prosperity and healing peddlers have ever taken their blinders off to stop and ask what the motivation is behind their demanding health and wealth, ease and comfort. Yes, God can absolutely do anything and everything, but is it for your own glory, or God's? Do you know what story He wants to write? Do you wonder what God's ending holds? Would you eat the "what is it" and wonder in His work in your life? My hunch is, you'd rather control.

In closing, I want to relate a recent encounter with Candi and her husband, Jonathan. I dropped by their house to pick up a copy of Desperate Hope, which Candi had graciously given me. Jonathan and I chatted briefly while Candi was busy in the kitchen. We shared specific needs to pray for, and when he asked me what mine was, the first thought that came to me was relief from this financial roller coaster. I said my goodbyes and as soon as I got in the car, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Haven't I learned yet? Relief is not the answer. I wanted to run back in and tell Jonathan, No, that was wrong! I take it back! You want to know my greatest need? I need to surrender, not resign, to the Author of my story. I need contentment in every situation that stems from love for and trust in God. I need to count it all eucharisteo.

Grace. Thanksgiving. Joy. THIS is abundant life!

What Now?

I've heard it said that when the student is ready, the teacher will come. 

Ready or not....

However humbling I thought our drastic change in lifestyle was in 2012, 2013 held new levels of humble yet to be experienced.

The summer proved to be the best months the business had seen in a long time; most welcome after our court experience. We were busy with work and visits with family, excitedly welcoming our granddaughter, Claire, to the family in June. We were grateful to God for His awesome blessings on our lives, and for breathing room. 

Then came fall and winter, and we fell into a business slump that the summer's abundance couldn't carry us through. The 2014 New Year was not beginning as we had hoped, introducing a deeper level of humble. Our roller coaster lives had beaten us to a pulp.

All these months have turned into years of trying to work out how to be content with what we have, of reading Paul's words in Philippians 4:12, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want,"  and just not grasping it.

And James, who said to do what? Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:2-4). Really not grasping it.

What is abundant life if it isn't health and wealth and prosperity? It surely doesn't mean being in a state of hunger or want or infirmity. I'm really not ok with that.

Question after question asked, psalm after psalm read, I identified with David and was as determined as he was to, despite my lack of understanding and answers, trust God and not walk away from Him. I had to be in this place of being completely emptied of my self; of all the chasing after happiness and self-realization while blind to the fact that my happiness had been dependent on things I could lose. Having lost my car, work, money, and independence in a short period of time, I had fallen right into a very deep pit that looked familiar to where I was following my divorce in 2004, but deeper. Didn't think that was possible, but there I was. 

Nowhere to go, nothing to do, in pain (in more ways than one), feeling isolated, Leland and I alternately clung to each other and hurt each other out of our desperation, confusion, and exhaustion, or we attempted to protect one another by not speaking at all. What else to do but search? I so wanted answers to my questions, and I wanted even more to hear from God Himself. 

Lord, I'm empty, ready and willing to be filled. Please, show me what I need to know.

The answer came in the form of 2 incredible books; the first, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. If you haven't read it, please do. It reads like poetry, and the author is refreshingly down-to-earth, honest, and transparent. She speaks to the reader from the humble place of her own personal struggle with pain and loss, witnessing the death of her baby sister, and from her real and messy life as a farmer's wife and home-schooling mother of 6 kids--not the perfectly coiffed, made-up, and designer label-adorned TV personality who speaks from the comfort of her gated, multimillion dollar home. She leads readers to the place of rest and comfort through what she calls a "joy dare." It's the challenge to write 1,000 gifts we see every day but would ordinarily overlook, and in the midst of pain. That's why this thanks offering is called a sacrifice of praise (Hebrews 13:15). It can seem so mechanical when tears are welling in your eyes, but seeing God in the ordinary and being grateful really is transforming. The book was such a treasure I bought the devotional.

The second book is Desperate Hope, by Candi Pearson-Shelton.This is Candi's story of her and her friends' and family's journey through the illness and passing of her much-loved brother, Rick, in 2005. Rick was 22, a worship leader, Christ-follower, and engaged to be married when he was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. The book wrecked me for so many reasons, and all for the good. This story, all by itself, should be read by everyone tempted by those false teachers on radio and TV who are making millions by duping people with their lies, claiming God wants everyone to be healed (until they're not, then it's Satan's doing) and financially prosperous, and you will see that God absolutely has a purpose in pain and answers prayer through suffering. Everyone who knew Rick knows how beautifully God answered his fondest prayer, and what a win-win the story is. Read it. And don't ever doubt this truth: God is Sovereign and He is in control.

So many great resources have crossed my path--yea for the internet! Every time, the message points to everything counter-intuitive or counter-culture. No surprise, since that is exactly like Jesus. But how to sort out what I've been hearing in any sort of orderly fashion? That will be my goal for the next post, as well as to let you in on opportunities we've had to move forward in our walk with Jesus. 

About Face

A cascade of events changed the course of my life, 180 degrees.

First was the recession. I was living and working in Miami Beach, running my consulting business and modeling, the latter being my main purpose for being there. I was never happier than when my phone rang with a casting call, a callback, or a booking (the best!). Being "the talent" on set was an experience straight out of a fairy tale and I loved every second of it, so when it came time to decide whether to head back to Atlanta after the high season had wound down, I decided to stay and make the move permanent. I had claimed my dream and it was a reality! 

I worked on movie and TV sets during the off-season and got to share space with some pretty famous people: Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson (a sweetheart, for sure), Isla Fisher, Hugh Dancy, Jeffrey Donovan, and Gabrielle Anwar. 

Word of Wisdom: Background work is so not glamorous. It was a long off-season and I would not recommend it as a career. Being background is fun for the experience of learning how movies are made, but a couple of gigs are plenty. After that you're just a glutton for punishment.

When the high season began again in the fall of 2008 I was ready, like a sprinter set in the blocks waiting for the sound of the starter gun.  

Print modeling! Yea! I can't wait! 

I waited. And waited. The phone was silent while I watched TV all day long, seeing stories of home foreclosures, their owners out on the street and squatters moving in. Mindless show after mindless show; I don't even remember. I hung out on the beach. I shopped at the mall. I ate at Paul, my favorite French restaurant. And I waited. The few calls I received all season were castings for low-paying, Medicare Part D ads, for which I knew I wouldn't be booked because, despite my gray hair, I was never going to pass for 70 years old (thank God).

I felt so alone. I was so far away from the people and places I loved and Miami felt so dark and hostile. Save for a few visits with my friend and occasional casting partner, I didn't have anyone around me. Consulting had dried up as well. I received a call from my Baltimore client, who had offered me a job in their research lab only a few months earlier, saying the offer was off the table in the face of a downturn in their business and subsequent layoffs. I was running out of money and options, fast.

It was time to leave Miami behind and head back to Atlanta, but before my departure in mid-March, I booked one print job--the 2010 US Census. It shot at the end of February--a great ending--and I left a couple weeks later. 
[The ad could have ended up anywhere in the country, but appeared in Atlanta Magazine in the fall of '09, much to my delight.]

In the many quiet moments I had during the summer of '08, I spent a lot of time with my Bible and a booklet of verses--a collection of promises; time for which I am very grateful. I needed to renew my mind--shift the gears from blaming God for my losses, to trust and gratitude. But I also read books that focused on teaching prosperity gospel, I wrote myself checks from The Bank of The Universe for massive amounts of money, and I continued exploring the realms of mysticism and quantum mechanics. So when the bank somewhere in the ethereal never materialized the huge checks I had written hoping to fatten my very tangible bank account, and when my dreams of success in business and modeling were beginning to crumble.....imagine what a huge letdown it was. 

Here's what I've learned in the years since then: My faith was completely misdirected. God does not promise me or any other Christ follower ease, comfort, wealth, and never-ending health (we're all gonna die, and getting dead probably will involve disease for some). My faith was in my ability to manipulate God by invoking the Law of Attraction and claiming Bible verses out of context, distorting them to give me what I desired and leaving what God planned for me completely out of the equation. Can you see how this sets one up to become their own god, and in a very slick way? Yeah, remember when Satan tempted Jesus in the desert for 40 days (Matthew 4:1-11)?

Please, before you get all bent out of shape, let me say that I do believe God blesses some believers with the responsibility of wealth, and they are probably excellent stewards of it. I do believe that it very well could make their faith life more difficult, however, if one allows the self-sufficiency and self-reliance afforded by wealth to overcome dependence on God. Just look at Matthew 19 and the story of the rich young ruler. He had everything, but when Jesus told him what to do, he walked away because he couldn't part with his wealth. "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." (Matthew 19:24) 

Parting with wealth is hard once you've grown accustomed to it. I know. I've been there, even though the money I had was probably pocket change compared to the affluent community around me. 

Here's a short list of what we as believers are promised:

• We will have troubles, and we shouldn't be surprised by this. I Peter 4:12
• Troubles and pain have a purpose. I Peter 4:13 and James 1:2-3
• A promise that we are never alone, ever, no matter what. Hebrews 13:5
• And finally, not a promise, but the commandment, "Do not be afraid." That's in the Bible 366 times. Do you think it's because we're inherently fearful beings? And we have short memories?

There was another event that happened concurrently with the financial crises that sent me packing back to Atlanta, bewildered by what was becoming of the dreams I had realized. Check back for that story in the days to come.

Name It And Claim It

I feel like I've been instantly transported to a little rubber life raft in the middle of the ocean when I start to even think how I should write my heart.  The current carries me into deeper and deeper water, away from the safety of the shallows and soft, warm sand of the beach. 

Vulnerability--that revealing of the most secret parts of us--is never comfortable. 

Once I begin and find my voice, if I actually use it, will the sky fall on me? A very old tape starts to play in my head; the one that says, You're so loud--sit down and be quiet. And then the one that plays, Nobody likes to hear icky stuff. Keep it happy. Do you want to drive everybody away?

It wasn't always like this. Back when I was secure in the money in my bank account, when I finally owned a car with my name on the title, when I was reveling in my successful transition to Happily Independent Woman, when I was a size 4 and confidently walked down the street, when I was a busy print model and a QA consultant who traveled to my clients to audit their experimental data and write technical documents, when I was fit, athletic, weight trained, rode horses--even began learning to play polo…

…when I believed I had manifested all these wonderful things just by claiming them, I had plenty of confidence in myself. Or so that was my story, and I was sticking to it.

Oh yes, I was firmly entrenched in The Secret, vision boards, and belief that abundant life meant all these things and more; the time and the means to do exactly as I pleased. I was going to go through my life healthy and strong, even as I moved through the stage of life that undoes many women--empty nest syndrome and menopause. I listened to Hay House Radio every day, bought books on manifesting, called on angels and God to do my bidding. 

I wanted to use my abundance for good, so what could possibly be wrong with it? I could certainly glorify God with all His gifts to me, and I wanted to give back. I had the promise from Jesus Himself of abundant life, and I was a child of the Creator of the Universe, so I could be and do anything I chose. He wanted this for me, after all.

Me me me. 

I was my own idol. Yes, I said IDOL. God let me travel this path of pursuit of happiness in earthly things for a time, in His infinite grace and mercy. 

And then, also in His infinite grace, mercy, and love for me, He began to show me Truth.

1 Year Later

A year has passed since I left blogging. I recall being frustrated, confused, a bit angry, and feeling marginalized--and then there was that distinct feeling of being vulnerable to the point of nakedness for having shared so openly about the financial, emotional and spiritual challenges Leland and I faced. 

When you don't have pictures of your great vacations, big house, and all the trappings of the American Dream to post on your Facebook page, "friends" are quiet. 

Facebook...where we all love to paint the perfect canvas of our perfect little lives. I'd love to see what would happen if people were honest about their real lives.

Just threw a tantrum and cussed out my wife/husband and kids. Good times.
Just spent an hour engrossed in my favorite porn video. Epic.
Just spent 2 hours cruising Pinterest for ideas on how to one-up the neighbor for my landscaping/interior design/kid's birthday party. What should I do?

I have too much fun in my head sometimes, but putting my vivid imagination aside, it all boils down to this (even if you aren't an Idealist like me):

TRUTH MATTERS. 

Why the truth rant, you ask? Because in the community group we are part of, Leland and I have been subjected to 5 videos of prosperity gospel and word of faith theology--the belief that God wants everyone to be healthy and wealthy and all it takes are the right belief-filled words--from one of our culture's many false teachers in this arena.

Not healed? You didn't believe. Not wealthy? You just don't have faith. In a blatantly arrogant move to deflect his detractors, this TV preacher points out that those who are not healed and blessed with wealth are the ones protesting this teaching.

Now that the background is down, I'm going to delve into the 'miles deep foundation' of scripture, and also into more of the faith journey of the Holders' over the last year, of abundant life, and just what that means. I'm not a preacher or teacher and I have no formal seminary education, only experience in the university of life as a Christ follower and the desire to honor God.

Thank you for grace and patience as I work out the telling of our story.