We have cut as much as we can cut from our living expenses, I accepted the offer from the only employer that would hire me, our photography bookings have increased, and still, it has not been enough to prevent this decision.
Bankruptcy has proven to be complicated, which we did not expect. We're torn between Chapter 7 and Chapter 13 and the legal advice has proven to be more confusing in the decision making process than helpful.
Yesterday saw an epic meltdown on my part. Weary, beaten, and beyond the ability to make an informed decision, I declared I had had enough. I regretted being born, I regretted my life, I apologized to my husband for the suffering in our marriage, and I had no hope for my (our) future. I knew I was doomed to the worst of all fates the world could bestow upon me--creditors, bankruptcy trustee, the courts, the IRS, my own heartless brother (trustee of my father's trust fund) who declared to me that my financial problems were none of his concern. I felt like Job in that moment: hopeless, at the end of myself, and questioning everything.
I fell asleep last night, after midnight, but something happened as I slept. I don't know what it was, or where I had been, but I woke this morning with one thing on my consciousness--a song. This one portion of the song and lyrics played in my head like an audio loop as I awoke:
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The song was familiar, but still, I had to Google those lyrics to learn where it came from. It was written by Chris Tomlin, and is titled, Whom Shall I Fear.
Here is the story behind the genesis of the song:
What I experienced last night, and as I awoke this morning, is a gift from the God of angel armies, telling me that nothing formed against me will stand.
He is faithful. Whom shall I fear? The God of angel armies is always by my side.