My Kindred Spirit

On February 13, 2007, I was minding my own business when I met a gentleman at a singles dinner.

On February 13, 2010, I married him.

Leland Patrick Holder is one of the most unique individuals you will ever meet. He is an extrovert. I think he could make friends with a rock. He has a huge, sensitive heart. His sense of humor keeps people laughing. He talks a lot, but he knows when it's time to be quiet and listen. He is a giver. He loves BIG, and he loves unconditionally.

He is flawed, as anyone who knows him well will agree, with a smile. He swears too much.  He can be judgmental. He's addicted to coffee. He's easily distracted and forgetful. He falls asleep, face planted on the desk in front of the computer, while processing photos.

And I love him.

Leland is an artist; a professional photographer.

He'll shoot nature at every opportunity, this place being one of my favorites.

 Kravica Falls, Bosnia-Herzegovina

He loves to shoot photographs of people, capturing that split second in time when a look tells a story.

 Gypsy woman begging on the streets of Mostar, Bosnia-Herzegovina

He looks through the lens with his heart; a heart for people and the beauty of God's creation, and a heart for the God who has loved him throughout his life's many twists and turns, ups and downs. When he photographs, he prays to see his subjects as God sees them.

In his 20s, Leland had a job that a lot of people would envy, working for Florida Power and Light. He earned a nice salary. He was house hunting and thinking about settling down into a life of the daily grind, white picket fences, marriage, and children.

And then he quit.

He had a dream. Florida Power and Light, white picket fences, and anything resembling status quo were not in it. This young man with a rebellious, adventurous spirit who had grown up on the east coast of Florida surfing, spear fishing, and diving, packed up his van and hit the road for the Western US. He followed his heart, traveling from one state to another, taking pictures, experiencing life, and just being.

In this video (please excuse the quality, or lack thereof, my unnecessary commentary, and sudden outburst over the raindrops falling on the equipment), Leland briefly tells of his journey to becoming a professional photographer. It was spontaneously shot while Leland was giving me a lesson on the technicals of photography. I never really meant for it to do anything but sit in my video folder, but I think his story of breaking out and following his passion needed to be told. Enjoy!

Leland's website & galleries
And, even though he loves people, he has no time for social media (I attempt to manage it for him):
Facebook
Twitter: @LelandHolder

The Brutal, Honest Truth

Recently, I wrote this response to Your Creative Flow, written by Geoff Talbot, on his blog, Seven Sentences.

Spending time writing does make me feel a bit selfish, only because I began writing as a single person and now I'm married. It shouldn't though, because my husband is a very busy photographer who spends long hours doing post-production and dealing with all the other bits and pieces of running a small business. Writing while he is glued to the monitor in Photoshop does not justify such negative feelings. It's just another attempt by my pesky little naysayer to sidetrack me.

The reason I gave in my response to Geoff's post was absolutely honest. I am married now and I need to remember that, even though I could write for hours on end, and follow the creative community and read their amazing, inspiring writings, in doing so, time has flown by (really, where do the hours in a day go?) and I haven't engaged at all with my husband. 

This habitual practice is not exactly conducive to a healthy marriage relationship.

I've since had time to honestly assess that "only because" reason I gave for feeling a bit selfish in my writing. The deeper, underlying reason raised its rather unattractive head today, and in the spirit of honesty and transparency, I will share it with my readers.

My feelings of selfishness are, to my embarrassment, related to money. The reason? I quit my job.

I felt justified in my decision for these reasons:

1. An unethical company leader.
2. Side effects of work stress in my body; becoming increasingly unable to sleep well, perform to my usual standards, and maintain my composure. I was ill and becoming more ill. 
3. These circumstances were not exactly conducive to a healthy marriage relationship, either.

Fairly good justification for resignation, but one that I struggled with because, in offering my services as a consultant, and doing my creative writing and blogging, I knew that would mean an inconsistent income (even though I had been doing consulting in my off hours on a regular basis before quitting), no benefits, and added financial burden.

God did not provide a window of escape from the job with which I struggled so much, despite all the pleading for strength to carry on in my job, for someone to respect my boundaries, and finally, for another opportunity. The silence was deafening, and then, it was time to make a choice.

Would I compromise, or would I do what was right, recognizing Who my source of supply really is, and with Whom my security truly rests?

When I sit down to write, I feel more than a bit selfish. I am able to write now because I gave up the job that sapped my energy, tested my ethics and integrity, and was killing my soul--and the income that went along with it. But it was income. It paid the bills. It was a degree of security in this game we play here on Earth.

The nasty little naysayer whispers in my ear, "You should be out there working, not sitting around writing! Get a job and make some money! Quitter!"

To which I say, "Thanks for the input, but SHUT UP!"

I'm following my heart and the dreams that God has placed within me, my faith is exercised, and I rely more on Him as my Source of supply than I ever did when I played the Matrix.

Have you faced a similar decision point in your life? Have you felt the tension between keeping your day job and ditching everything to follow your dream? Feel free to share your story. I'd love to read it.

The Next Chapter

I received a text message with a picture attachment a couple days ago from my friend, Carrie.

"The horses are here!!!!!!", it read.

Yes, I counted. There were 6 exclamation marks. And I would have added more. I felt my spirit lift several levels. Is this another dream about to be recovered?

Carrie and her soon-to-be-husband, Tim, are licensed counselors and partners in Second Wind, a counseling center that has grown into a ranch offering equine assisted growth and learning. It's been quite a process to prepare the property for the horses, but they have arrived and are acclimating to their new environment.

I am looking forward to being a part of Second Wind. I have volunteered to be a part of this therapy program for a few reasons:

1. I absolutely love horses.
2. I am convinced, because of my experience, that horses are excellent teachers. We humans mistakenly think that we teach them, when often the reverse is true. Ideally, it's a 2-way street. They are sensitive, non-judgmental, and forgive unconditionally--the perfect learning environment. 
3. Since my back injury, I really have no idea, or hope, that I will ride again without further injury. This is an opportunity to be with the animals and people I love, and give to someone who needs help.

Since I opened that message and looked at the horses that I will meet soon, I couldn't help thinking back over my life, with and without these marvelous creatures. Currently horseless, I miss their presence and the experiences I've enjoyed with my equine partners.

It's been 6 years since I said goodbye to my 4-legged love, this gorgeous gelding named Trigger Man Pep, or "Pep", as I called him.

It fit him. He liked 2 speeds: fast and faster. He was extremely athletic. And standoffish. The smart ones are. He would do just about anything for me. We rode trails (our favorite), jumped fences, learned dressage together, and went so far as to compete in local hunter-jumper shows and a horse trial in 2001.

My 15-hand Quarter Horse among all the leggy, hot-blooded Thoroughbreds attracted more than a few sideways glances. Yes, he did all that, but as anyone who knows Quarter Horse bloodlines knows, this horse was bred and born from championship cutting horse stock.

If I had had very deep pockets, I would have dived head first into the cutting world, but I didn't, and it's a good thing. That world he came from damaged him, and by the time I found him at barely 5 years of age, he was scared to death. His trainer had abused him and he would not take it anymore. He refused to compete, actively seeking a way out of the cutting pen. Smart.

It's been said that you don't attract what you want, you attract what you are. I can say, that's absolutely true. We were both wounded in different ways, but together, Pep and I learned about trust, forgiveness, and respect. Eventually he stopped looking for a way out of everything. He followed me around like a puppy. He enjoyed hugs, massages, and scratches in just the right places. And he would cut cattle again for fun, I like to think, for me.

And for me, to borrow from the movie, "Seabiscuit", he made me better.

And then, in 2005, it was time to end that chapter and begin a new one. Tearfully, I left him in the good hands of my farrier, who planned on using him for reining. I knew he had a good home, and that I had done well for him.

A new chapter is being written. Thanks, my sweet friend.

Virginia Intermont College Horse Trials show day.

Keeping It Simple

Keeping a positive, gratitude-filled attitude doesn't have to be rocket science. Keep it simple.

May I suggest, pick something that really brings a smile to your face. Dwell on it. Put it in whatever visual format you can and look at it several times a day.

For me, this is IT: Tiny Dancer

I instantly smile, then I giggle, then I thank God for the family I am blessed with--the family that has exceeded my wildest dreams.

This is my granddaughter, Kate, and she reminds me every day how great life is if I take time to break free of adulthood to see it through a child's eyes.

This is why Jesus loves children so much, I am convinced. They are authentic, joyful, uninhibited creatures, uncomplicated by doubt and fear.

Simple.

Bucket List Check-off

In early 2006, my good friend, and then Life Coach, Pam Thomas, gave me an assignment as part of our coaching: Write.

It began as a simple daily list of all the things I am grateful for. Then I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do/accomplish if money were no object and there were no limitations--my bucket list, as it has come to be known. I wrote letters to people I needed to forgive, taking the love and the lessons learned, burned the letters and put the past behind me.

I began writing stories, one of which I sent to Pam for her to read. To my surprise, she liked it, and what was even more surprising, told me that I was a good writer. She encouraged me to write more. I thought, much as a kid whose parent gives encouragement, "She's my coach, she has to say that." But she got me thinking that maybe I could actually be a writer.

I added, "Write a book and become a published author" to my list.

Since then I have written a children's book about a horse-crazy little girl and how her dreams of horse riding and ownership are realized; now in the editing process after the first pass by my editor.

I began, not knowing what I was doing, having no formal education in writing; simply followed a dream. It's a pattern of mine at this point in my life: dream, pray, act, flick the little naysayer off my shoulder, repeat.

I am a writer. I have had a guest blog submission accepted by Geoff Talbot, film maker and actor, and the creator of Seven Sentences. Tomorrow, June 11th, at 7:57 am Pacific Time, my guest blog will be posted. I invite everyone to visit and comment.

My heart is quiet and full of gratitude. Dreams realized--I love this.

When All Feels Lost

The past many months have been exhausting for me. Being one who has walked through many challenges, energizing wins, devastating losses, and learned many crucial spiritual lessons, I thought I had this "life is constant change" thing down and found peace in trusting God with the events of my life and the inevitability of change.

Recently, not so much.

Life has been a mixture of feelings: immense gratitude for the wonderful husband and family, among other things, I am blessed with, and the desperation of having my faith challenged to the point my soul feels like it is bleeding. 

I could hear the enemy, that rotten little naysayer, badgering me even in my sleep; telling me what a crazy fool I was. I quit dreaming because it was too painful to realize that most of my dreams seemed to have flat lined with no hope of resuscitation. Placing them in the hands of The Dream Giver and choosing to trust Him with the timing of the manifestation of these dreams calmed the undercurrent of uneasiness for only brief periods of time.

 And then--having lost all hope, confidence, and resigning to failure--I read a guest blog post by Geoff Talbot. Inspired, I visited Geoff's blog, where I found this video of his story.

I listened, I cried, and I was excited. The student was ready for the teacher. Just when I had reached the end of myself, God heard my pleas for help. I am seeing and hearing those subtle ways God uses to encourage us, through other people. 

Thank you for your words, Geoff. May they reach far and wide.

I'm not giving up. I dusted off this blog. I volunteered to assist an equine assisted therapy center. I scheduled a shoot for new comp card photos for this Thursday. I have contacted modeling agencies in the UK and Germany. I'm surrounding myself with creative types in my position as a video camera operator on the production team at my church (meeting lots of really cool musicians and pros in production) and working with my husband as his assistant. I am focusing on the positive again.

May I challenge you to offer words of encouragement at every opportunity? You may never know their impact, but they could have a profound one.

Driving in Snow 101

I'm from upstate New York. We got more than our share of snowfall every winter. Luckily for us, the country road in Onondaga County that my house was on was just below the "I give up" point for snow plows. When they gave up, the snow blowers were sent in. When they gave up, the people up the road got stuck and made their way by snowmobile.

Snow 1, Inhabitants 0.

In these winter conditions, I learned to drive, and I made it out alive. Studded tires, tire chains in the trunk of the car--all a normal part of living in the snow belt--still weren't enough if I didn't learn how to handle a sudden loss of traction to avoid going into a spin. The natural reaction is to slam on the brakes and turn the steering wheel the opposite direction of a skid, but if you don't like hospitals, you better turn into it. I know it is counter-intuitive to turn the direction you feel is heading you into disaster, but taking your foot off the brake and turning the steering wheel into the skid will give you the best chance of avoiding your local healthcare system, and a lot of pain.

This week a very gifted counselor, Tim, used driving into a skid as a metaphor for handling life's painful situations. In this second year of our marriage, my husband and I hit our first relationship crisis and went into a skid. We were heading for a dangerous spin. I had fixated on the object (my pain and its cause). The man of my dreams, the love of my life, suddenly became someone to protect myself from, but steering away from him, and not into him and the hurt he now represented, made matters only worse.

"Turn into the pain", Tim told me.

He spent nearly 2 hours with us. In that time, using this metaphor as well as reminding us of what and who we are as redeemed children of God, we were able to look squarely into each other's eyes and affirm all the good that we are and have between us. And we purposed to see each other this way, always, to forgive, and to empathize.

Steering straight into the pain is scary and it's counter-intuitive. It's the smartest move I made this week.

Thanks, Tim. And thanks to God for the forgiveness and healing we have through Christ, my husband is the man of my dreams, the love of my life.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. --Phillipians 4:8


Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus --Romans 8:1