Life Is Contrast

Leland had a great March with lots of business, and mostly all clients paid in a timely manner. As good as that was, April has been the exact opposite. We are halfway through the month with an upcoming week away and no bookings for the remainder.

We met with Dwayne last night. While I appreciate the fact that he would take time out of his very busy life to spend an hour working on our financial mess, I have reached the point where I truly believe I have had enough.

Dwayne looked over the spreadsheet and the receivables, and the hammer came down.

Directing his comments to Leland, he said, You guys need income or you aren't eating. Set a goal date, and if you haven't seen an increase in your income by then, it's time to do something besides photography.

To someone who has been shooting for 32 years, what else is there, I asked.

Dwayne shrugged his shoulders, followed by something about Starbucks or Home Depot, but I had zoned out.

I excused myself to go to the kitchen for a cup of tea. It was my only escape.

We have both applied for jobs; everything we could find, from Trader Joe's to Lockheed Martin. It's not like we haven't been trying, but we have not even had the first response to any of our applications. There are so many people competing for every opportunity out there.

As we wrapped up the torture for the evening, Dwayne was apologetic for being so harsh sounding, and being the nice guy he is, tried to lighten things up by talking about our trip to Florida for the family reunion.

Too little, too late.

After he left, I numbly set about gathering up my clothes to be ironed; my mind whirling with conflict over the reality of our situation and God's promises for provision, a future and hope. The battle raged, in more ways than one. Leland and I ended our night with me losing my patience and him yelling and cursing at me. I have never seen or heard him like this, and it scared me.

I turned away, went upstairs, and proceeded to cry Niagra Falls as I sat on the top step. Stella sat next to me, front paws up on my leg, and with her usually perky ears drooping, looked me right in the eyes as if she was trying to say something.

I think it was, I love you. At least, that's what it felt like.

We leave tomorrow for our Great Escape--the long-awaited week with my beloved family. I have far more pleasant things in my future; a newly-engaged daughter, and a future son-in-law to welcome to the family.

Joy in sorrow, blessings in troubled times--the contrasts of life in this physical realm.

Breaking Silence

I will say, right up front--this is hard. Pride makes being transparent hard.

I have thought carefully about whether to continue blogging, in light of the unhappy turn my and my husband's lives have taken, but my conclusion is, this is my canvas on which to paint. I wouldn't be the first to paint something that was scorned by some, but critics have never stopped me before. Why start now?

If you don't like harsh reality then navigate away right now; however, in my heart I hope you follow me on the path we are walking.

Neither one of us is dying. We enjoy reasonably good health, but the financial disaster that we have here feels like death--death of dreams, death of progress, death of any hope of a future. After all, the rest of our lives doesn't look very long at our ages. We need a resolution ASAP.
 
FYI, we haven't come to this by charging furniture, vacations, home remodeling (although that one was tempting), or other such keeping-up-with-the-Atlantans kinds of things, on our credit cards. No, we suffered the same losses as many others in the recession--upside down on the mortgage, loss of business (Leland is a freelance pro photographer), savings wiped out to survive, no luck in my job search--and when there's no cash, there's credit for survival. Emergencies happen. Medical and dental issues come up. All you can think is, just fix it and I'll gladly charge it to feel better.

You get the picture.

If you care to follow us on our journey, we have taken our first steps:

• We have a Moneywise mentor through our church, North Point Community Church (http://www.northpoint.org/moneywise), who we will meet this week. Part of that program is reading Dave Ramsey's The Total Money Makeover.
• We are in counseling at The Summit (http://summitcounseling.org), to keep our marriage healthy as we go through what is the demise of many relationships.
• We have spiritual support, and more, from our small group.
• In the last few weeks we have pared over $700 from our monthly budget by selling my car (also ending the need for insurance), canceling U-Verse cable TV, and dropping our health insurance for membership in Christian Healthcare Ministries.

What is the point of our suffering and obstacles in life, if we don't share them? What if no one ever heard of how God guided us through this?

I want to shout the events of the journey to financial freedom from the rooftop.

That way, God's got an audience.