Life Is Contrast

Leland had a great March with lots of business, and mostly all clients paid in a timely manner. As good as that was, April has been the exact opposite. We are halfway through the month with an upcoming week away and no bookings for the remainder.

We met with Dwayne last night. While I appreciate the fact that he would take time out of his very busy life to spend an hour working on our financial mess, I have reached the point where I truly believe I have had enough.

Dwayne looked over the spreadsheet and the receivables, and the hammer came down.

Directing his comments to Leland, he said, You guys need income or you aren't eating. Set a goal date, and if you haven't seen an increase in your income by then, it's time to do something besides photography.

To someone who has been shooting for 32 years, what else is there, I asked.

Dwayne shrugged his shoulders, followed by something about Starbucks or Home Depot, but I had zoned out.

I excused myself to go to the kitchen for a cup of tea. It was my only escape.

We have both applied for jobs; everything we could find, from Trader Joe's to Lockheed Martin. It's not like we haven't been trying, but we have not even had the first response to any of our applications. There are so many people competing for every opportunity out there.

As we wrapped up the torture for the evening, Dwayne was apologetic for being so harsh sounding, and being the nice guy he is, tried to lighten things up by talking about our trip to Florida for the family reunion.

Too little, too late.

After he left, I numbly set about gathering up my clothes to be ironed; my mind whirling with conflict over the reality of our situation and God's promises for provision, a future and hope. The battle raged, in more ways than one. Leland and I ended our night with me losing my patience and him yelling and cursing at me. I have never seen or heard him like this, and it scared me.

I turned away, went upstairs, and proceeded to cry Niagra Falls as I sat on the top step. Stella sat next to me, front paws up on my leg, and with her usually perky ears drooping, looked me right in the eyes as if she was trying to say something.

I think it was, I love you. At least, that's what it felt like.

We leave tomorrow for our Great Escape--the long-awaited week with my beloved family. I have far more pleasant things in my future; a newly-engaged daughter, and a future son-in-law to welcome to the family.

Joy in sorrow, blessings in troubled times--the contrasts of life in this physical realm.

The Budget

Dwayne visited last night. We went over March's income and expenditures. It felt a bit like handing in a test to my teacher and standing there waiting to be graded.

The soundtrack from Jaws begins playing in my head--the part where the shark approaches its unsuspecting victim--as Dwayne began a budget spreadsheet for April.

The victim? Food...$250 worth. For the life of me, I don't know how this is going to come off.

I have actually caught myself skipping meals this past week, for the sole reason that, if I'm not hungry I will save money by not eating just because it's meal time. Now, I think about the cost of everything as I approach eating. By the time I'm done thinking about it, I've made myself just about sick, so I turn around and walk away.

Good way to lose weight at least.

Now hold on just a darn minute. This whole thing strikes me as ri-freaking-diculous.

So what if I eat in a healthy manner? 

So what if it costs me more to eat that way than it costs you to eat yourself into obesity?

We live very modestly and don't spend money frivolously, but it is what it is--this is the only thing left to cut after we have determined what it takes to live indoors and drive to jobs that earn us money.

Yes, I'm mad. Like always, I'll get over it and adapt.

This is what it's like to be shaped and molded by the Master Craftsman. It can hurt. Do I trust the process and the hands shaping me into a work of art?

The Person In The Mirror

Meeting #2 with Dwayne finally happened! Yay!

Boo.............

We have it in black and white, and it ain't pretty. After all the drastic cutbacks there's only one thing left that we can possibly cut back. Care to hazard a guess?

Food.

But I hardly eat anything! Looking over at Leland, I declared, YOU eat a boatload of food!

Again, I slumped in my chair and tried to take in what Dwayne was saying. Fear began to creep in while my mind started racing about how I could possibly cut something so essential.

I can't cut back on food. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't eat much, but what I eat is very healthy. If I cut back, I won't eat a damn thing!

Regardless of the fact that I didn't even eat dinner tonight, there it is--the cold, hard truth. We have to look in the mirror and realize that the problem is not money, it's the person looking back.

According to The Total Money Makeover, we need behavior modification in the manner in which we shop for food. Cut the number of trips to the store, first off, but since I am not likely to exchange my healthy food for Kraft mac and cheese, bologna and Wonder Bread, we (*cough* Leland) will simply have to eat less of what we like, or maybe we'll eat none of some of those things.

Next modification is to keep the debit card in the wallet and use cash. Does anyone use cash anymore?

However we buy food, I don't see cutting one or two small things every couple weeks is going to amount to more than chump change--but we are going to give it a go.

The road to financial freedom is a one lane dirt path, full of potholes and rocks, and my shock absorbers are beginning to wear out.

I'm curious to know others who have traveled that road before us. Care to share your story?

Red Light

Our first meeting with the Moneywise mentor, Dwayne, was canceled at the last minute. New date TBD.

I had read the first 3 chapters of The Total Money Makeover, by Dave Ramsey, in preparation for this first meeting. I was looking forward to asking Dwayne this one burning question:

How on earth do we apply these principles to our freelance, creative lives, when all Ramsey's success stories involve people with jobs that deposit money in their checking accounts every 2 weeks?

I can't really say I have any arguments with a word of those first 3 chapters, but there is this one constant in reaching financial freedom--steady income earning.

Are we a hopeless case then? 

I'll have to wait for the answer, and I will be sure to let you know what it is.

Unless Dave Ramsey would like to speak to me himself. That would be lovely.

On the expense paring, I have cut another $136 from our monthly expenses. No more hormone replacement therapy. Did you know that Novartis's Vivelle Dot patches are $100 for a box of 8 (one month's worth)? The compounding pharmacy supplied progesterone capsules; one month's worth for $36. Since this is not a life-saving necessity, it wasn't hard to cut the expense.

I may wake up in the middle of the night sort of warm (please don't miss the sarcasm here), or have a bout of insomnia, but hey, I don't have a job and I can take a nap. That's worth an extra $136 a month.

Dave, call me.

Breaking Silence

I will say, right up front--this is hard. Pride makes being transparent hard.

I have thought carefully about whether to continue blogging, in light of the unhappy turn my and my husband's lives have taken, but my conclusion is, this is my canvas on which to paint. I wouldn't be the first to paint something that was scorned by some, but critics have never stopped me before. Why start now?

If you don't like harsh reality then navigate away right now; however, in my heart I hope you follow me on the path we are walking.

Neither one of us is dying. We enjoy reasonably good health, but the financial disaster that we have here feels like death--death of dreams, death of progress, death of any hope of a future. After all, the rest of our lives doesn't look very long at our ages. We need a resolution ASAP.
 
FYI, we haven't come to this by charging furniture, vacations, home remodeling (although that one was tempting), or other such keeping-up-with-the-Atlantans kinds of things, on our credit cards. No, we suffered the same losses as many others in the recession--upside down on the mortgage, loss of business (Leland is a freelance pro photographer), savings wiped out to survive, no luck in my job search--and when there's no cash, there's credit for survival. Emergencies happen. Medical and dental issues come up. All you can think is, just fix it and I'll gladly charge it to feel better.

You get the picture.

If you care to follow us on our journey, we have taken our first steps:

• We have a Moneywise mentor through our church, North Point Community Church (http://www.northpoint.org/moneywise), who we will meet this week. Part of that program is reading Dave Ramsey's The Total Money Makeover.
• We are in counseling at The Summit (http://summitcounseling.org), to keep our marriage healthy as we go through what is the demise of many relationships.
• We have spiritual support, and more, from our small group.
• In the last few weeks we have pared over $700 from our monthly budget by selling my car (also ending the need for insurance), canceling U-Verse cable TV, and dropping our health insurance for membership in Christian Healthcare Ministries.

What is the point of our suffering and obstacles in life, if we don't share them? What if no one ever heard of how God guided us through this?

I want to shout the events of the journey to financial freedom from the rooftop.

That way, God's got an audience.