Life Is Contrast

Leland had a great March with lots of business, and mostly all clients paid in a timely manner. As good as that was, April has been the exact opposite. We are halfway through the month with an upcoming week away and no bookings for the remainder.

We met with Dwayne last night. While I appreciate the fact that he would take time out of his very busy life to spend an hour working on our financial mess, I have reached the point where I truly believe I have had enough.

Dwayne looked over the spreadsheet and the receivables, and the hammer came down.

Directing his comments to Leland, he said, You guys need income or you aren't eating. Set a goal date, and if you haven't seen an increase in your income by then, it's time to do something besides photography.

To someone who has been shooting for 32 years, what else is there, I asked.

Dwayne shrugged his shoulders, followed by something about Starbucks or Home Depot, but I had zoned out.

I excused myself to go to the kitchen for a cup of tea. It was my only escape.

We have both applied for jobs; everything we could find, from Trader Joe's to Lockheed Martin. It's not like we haven't been trying, but we have not even had the first response to any of our applications. There are so many people competing for every opportunity out there.

As we wrapped up the torture for the evening, Dwayne was apologetic for being so harsh sounding, and being the nice guy he is, tried to lighten things up by talking about our trip to Florida for the family reunion.

Too little, too late.

After he left, I numbly set about gathering up my clothes to be ironed; my mind whirling with conflict over the reality of our situation and God's promises for provision, a future and hope. The battle raged, in more ways than one. Leland and I ended our night with me losing my patience and him yelling and cursing at me. I have never seen or heard him like this, and it scared me.

I turned away, went upstairs, and proceeded to cry Niagra Falls as I sat on the top step. Stella sat next to me, front paws up on my leg, and with her usually perky ears drooping, looked me right in the eyes as if she was trying to say something.

I think it was, I love you. At least, that's what it felt like.

We leave tomorrow for our Great Escape--the long-awaited week with my beloved family. I have far more pleasant things in my future; a newly-engaged daughter, and a future son-in-law to welcome to the family.

Joy in sorrow, blessings in troubled times--the contrasts of life in this physical realm.

Next Month's Focus

You thought I was going to say something about budgets, cutting costs, and not eating, didn't you?

Wrong!

For the next 2 weeks, my focus is on family reunion time. All 4 kids, their spouses and one significant other, and 1 granddaughter. My whole family. All in one place at the same time.

A-mazing.

Bonus: we're going to be on the beach, in a huge, very nice house (even if the pool is teeny--when have I ever had a house with a pool?).

I can't wait to do nothing but laugh. It's guaranteed when these amazing human beings I birthed are all together. I'll be up to my eyeballs in intelligence, quick-wittedness, sarcasm, razor-sharp humor, and wisdom; and most importantly, love.

Oh yeah, and mixed drinks.

I'm smiling just thinking about it.

Look at this face. How could you not smile?

The Budget

Dwayne visited last night. We went over March's income and expenditures. It felt a bit like handing in a test to my teacher and standing there waiting to be graded.

The soundtrack from Jaws begins playing in my head--the part where the shark approaches its unsuspecting victim--as Dwayne began a budget spreadsheet for April.

The victim? Food...$250 worth. For the life of me, I don't know how this is going to come off.

I have actually caught myself skipping meals this past week, for the sole reason that, if I'm not hungry I will save money by not eating just because it's meal time. Now, I think about the cost of everything as I approach eating. By the time I'm done thinking about it, I've made myself just about sick, so I turn around and walk away.

Good way to lose weight at least.

Now hold on just a darn minute. This whole thing strikes me as ri-freaking-diculous.

So what if I eat in a healthy manner? 

So what if it costs me more to eat that way than it costs you to eat yourself into obesity?

We live very modestly and don't spend money frivolously, but it is what it is--this is the only thing left to cut after we have determined what it takes to live indoors and drive to jobs that earn us money.

Yes, I'm mad. Like always, I'll get over it and adapt.

This is what it's like to be shaped and molded by the Master Craftsman. It can hurt. Do I trust the process and the hands shaping me into a work of art?

The Person In The Mirror

Meeting #2 with Dwayne finally happened! Yay!

Boo.............

We have it in black and white, and it ain't pretty. After all the drastic cutbacks there's only one thing left that we can possibly cut back. Care to hazard a guess?

Food.

But I hardly eat anything! Looking over at Leland, I declared, YOU eat a boatload of food!

Again, I slumped in my chair and tried to take in what Dwayne was saying. Fear began to creep in while my mind started racing about how I could possibly cut something so essential.

I can't cut back on food. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't eat much, but what I eat is very healthy. If I cut back, I won't eat a damn thing!

Regardless of the fact that I didn't even eat dinner tonight, there it is--the cold, hard truth. We have to look in the mirror and realize that the problem is not money, it's the person looking back.

According to The Total Money Makeover, we need behavior modification in the manner in which we shop for food. Cut the number of trips to the store, first off, but since I am not likely to exchange my healthy food for Kraft mac and cheese, bologna and Wonder Bread, we (*cough* Leland) will simply have to eat less of what we like, or maybe we'll eat none of some of those things.

Next modification is to keep the debit card in the wallet and use cash. Does anyone use cash anymore?

However we buy food, I don't see cutting one or two small things every couple weeks is going to amount to more than chump change--but we are going to give it a go.

The road to financial freedom is a one lane dirt path, full of potholes and rocks, and my shock absorbers are beginning to wear out.

I'm curious to know others who have traveled that road before us. Care to share your story?

The Silver Lining

We've made some serious sacrifices these last several weeks, but we've been willing to do the painful stuff to get to the payoff--financial freedom.

We've also seen the unmistakable fingerprint of God on our lives recently. Allow me to share:

• An anonymous $100 Wal-Mart gift card.
• Christian Healthcare Ministries forgiving a $600 payment that we owed.
• Contract work for me and a call just yesterday regarding a front office position opening in a chiropractic office (still praying for the tack shop job).
• Business continues to come in for Leland, and several payments have recently been received.

Leland and I have resolved to make a conscious effort to be more positive in our thinking. We keep this in mind, ...as a man thinks in his heart, so is he... 

We have had wonderful support from our small group and love our weekly get-togethers with them, "doing life together".  Most of my life I have been one of those people who goes through my challenges alone, but I've found out how much better it is to face them with people who will be there for you if you need help. Being that this is atypical for me, I have to add this to the list of things that have God's fingerprint all over them. He knew what I needed before I did. 

Tonight is our next meeting with Dwayne, our Moneywise mentor. I'll fill you in on that later. 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us... Ephesians 3:20


Update: As Dwayne says, "We're snakebit", trying to get to meet. Something has come up causing him to cancel twice, and last week Leland was coughing up a lung, so we canceled. We need some angelic intervention here, I think.

Oh, My Brain

Our first meeting with the Moneywise mentor was Thursday night.

Dwayne was here for almost an hour and a half, which was enough time to fill my brain to capacity, and then some, with information I never wanted to hear in my lifetime; but then, I have never been in such financial straits in my lifetime.

Dave Ramsey certified or not, some of what he had to say went against everything I have ever stood for, but it all boils down to this: desperate times call for desperate measures.

You mean, I will purposely NOT pay some of my bills?, I asked, as I felt my stomach lurch.

Dwayne drew a box on his legal pad. These are the 4 walls--the house (to include utilities), food, clothing, and transportation. These are the necessities that are paid first. The rest fall outside the walls and are paid only if there is cash left over.

If we don't have the cash left over, we don't pay the credit cards. And yes, they will be ill about it. We have to call them every month that we don't have cash left over, and tell them we're not paying.

I slumped in my chair and looked at Dwayne like he had just handed me a death sentence.

Yeah, that's the look I get, he said.

I have NEVER not paid my bills, I protested. I sold my car, canceled the car insurance, quit taking my prescriptions, canceled my health insurance, haven't bought clothes/shoes in I don't know how long....

It just seemed wrong, you know? I'm no deadbeat. But if there isn't any cash to pay everything that falls outside the necessities, we have to do this. The vicious cycle of robbing Peter to pay Paul has to stop if we're ever going to be able to, as Dwayne says, spend at the speed of cash.

*sigh* Someone hand me a very large alcoholic beverage.

Keeping Hope

Yesterday, I acted on an intuitive nudge. I like to do that, regardless of the outcome.

Having finished my shopping trip at Costco, I headed south toward home on Highway 9. I've passed it many times, but this time, my eye caught the Dover Saddlery in the shopping center to my right.

They might be hiring. Go check.

Almost involuntarily, my hands steered the car hard right into the parking lot.

Dover Saddlery

I walked into horse heaven. I took a deep breath and smelled leather; looked around and saw the most beautiful stable-like decor. It was a feast for my senses and my horse-loving soul.

I walked to the register counter and saw a small sign with a stack of papers. They are accepting applications for employment. I admit, I got a little excited about the prospect.

I took the application home, filled it out, and thought about it for a while. I decided, if I am looking at working in a retail setting, I can't think of a better environment for me.

I returned the completed application to the store today. As I handed it to the assistant manager, she invited me to stay and browse around. I smiled from ear to ear.

I could happily wander in here for hours, I replied.

I love horses, horse people; even things like shipping boots, feed buckets, and horse cookies (I used to make a very special recipe for my horse and probably should have tried to market them. I might still--who knows).

So, hope lives...hope for employment, and hope for my equestrian soul to find its fit in the world, despite being presently horseless.

If this works out, you will definitely be hearing about it.